What an awesome week for all kinds of crazy. If aliens had landed on our planet, they would have watched as: the world’s most celebrated movie stars snored through a bizarre, seventeen-hour interpretive dance at the Oscars; Rep. Patrick Kennedy lost his effing mind on the House floor; Glenn Beck and Eric Massa out-crazied each other over some exotic birth ritual called “kill the old guy;” and a Pennsylvania woman opened a dating service for lonely jihadists. Slip into a straight jacket and follow me into this padded room, Crazy, because you just had the best week ever!
Speaking of the Massa mess, this week gave us a number of unintentionally high-larious headlines:
House leader: Ethics panel ends Massa Probe (Associated Press)
Hoyer Reiterates: I Didn’t Force Massa Out (The Atlantic)
Eric Massa Goes Out Swinging (Wall Street Journal)
Don’t Embrace Eric Massa (Washington Examiner)
In other news, it’s official: Haiti is the new rehab. This week professional welterweight pugilist Naomi Campbell announced she’s following in professional welterweight whore John Edwards’s slutty footsteps—yes, footsteps can be “slutty”—by planning a humanitarian trip to the quake-ravaged country. Atonement by way of rubble-framed photo-ops with third-world babies has to be the lamest attempt at public attrition since Gary Hart did a cameo on “Small Wonder.” Okay, so that didn’t happen, but wouldn’t it have been fantastic?
Tiger Woods has apparently hired Ari Fleischer to craft his comeback from utter perdition, uniting one of the stupidest people on the planet with one of the smartest. I imagine Ari’s already booked Tiger a flight to Port-au-Prince, where he and Charlie Rangel can get a timeshare. Dr. Drew and Gloria Allred should set up annex offices in Haiti, so that folks like Charlie Sheen, Eric Massa and Lindsay Lohan can still check their meds and book media appearances while atoning in town.
Also this week, the women of “The View” proved that horniness knows no age, race or creed. Barbara, Joy, Sherri and Elisabeth all threw themselves at an uncomfortable Mitt Romney, who struggled to keep his breakfast burrito down as they accosted him on the couch. Part of his No Apology tour (which sounds like something by Kelly Clarkson), Romney squirmed as Behar repeatedly called him “hunky,” Sherri whispered in his ear, and Elisabeth undoubtedly imagined what he’d look like in her husband’s old Giants uniform. (Who hasn’t?)
In the Fox green room I caught a few minutes of “American Idol” Wednesday night, and was reminded that the greatest cover song ever recorded is arguably Jeff Buckley’s version of “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen (though, not the way it was sung on AI this week). But I argue that a close second is Dynamite Hack’s version of “Boyz in the Hood” by Eazy E. Don’t believe me? Listen (and watch!) here. Especially note the brilliant two-part harmony at the end.
Earlier this week I was asked in an interview to list my favorite movies. This exercise always poses an ethical dilemma of sorts: How do I answer without sounding like a douche bag, a liar or a loser? See, the people who answer “Memento,” “Reservoir Dogs” or “Usual Suspects” are douche bags. The people who answer “Citizen Kane,” “East of Eden,” or “Annie Hall” are liars. And the people who say “Return of the Jedi,” “Dumb and Dumber” or “The Waterboy” are losers. My favorite movies put me in all three of these categories: “The Professional” (douche bag), “To Kill a Mocking Bird” (liar), and “Back to the Future” (loser.) So to avoid the question altogether, I usually scoff and respond by saying something utterly absurd, like, “Aren’t all films just sanctioned voyeurism?”