Opinion

South Carolina goes Greene

Photo of Ron Hart
Ron Hart
Contributor

A telling story is unfolding in the Democrat Senate primary in South Carolina. This one might take the cake, even in a state affectionately known as “The Jerry Springer Show” of politics.

Half-wit Alvin Greene, who ran for the Democratic Senate nomination to challenge sitting (which is about all they do) Sen. Jim “Never Needs Scope” DeMint (R-S.C.), won in a landslide.

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen in Palmetto State politics in, well, weeks. Clearly, South Carolina voters do not pay much attention to politics. Politicians know that as long as they do not tinker with the state’s age-of-consent laws, residents do not get up in arms.

Greene is a semi-literate, unemployed, questionably discharged military man who lives in his parents’ basement. He never campaigned, never gave speeches, and had neither a campaign website nor even yard signs. Sounds like Senatorial timber to me!

He was thrown out of the military in what he calls an “involuntary” discharge. If our political leaders are known for anything, it is their involuntary discharges.

If you have not seen Alvin on TV, just imagine Forrest Gump’s buddy, Benjamin Buford “Bubba” Blue, for whom Forrest named his shrimp company after Bubba recited all the culinary variations of shrimp.

Alvin showed early senatorial ambitions when he incurred a felony charge by showing porn on his cell phone to a college girl. That may be a felony in South Carolina, but it’s also the primary reason the i-Phone is selling so well in the rest of the country.

We all remember when Republican Governor Mark Sanford got in trouble for his affair with a hot Argentine news reporter and made that speech where he admitted to the dalliance. Who can forget the awkward conclusion of his press conference when he waited, hand in the air, for some guy to give him a high-five?

It wasn’t so much that Sanford had a girlfriend. This outsourcing-weary, unionized textile state was upset that its governor was sending even mistressing jobs overseas.

Just to show that S.C. is not sexist about extra-marital rumors, the GOP’s current gubernatorial frontrunner, Nikki Haley, has been accused of hanky-panky. Clearly, South Carolina politicians enjoy polling. They even have that “you lie” guy in Congress.

Having South Carolina as the current “pull my finger” state of political shame helps other states deflect attention away from their own foibles. Illinois is grateful.

There have been so many scandals involving politicians that you know we are in trouble when Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Dennis Kucinich are considered our most stable elected officials.

The nomination by his party of Manning, S.C.’s finest, Alvin Greene, is embarrassing to Democrats, and they reacted as they have been conditioned to do. They blamed Republicans. This Manning-churian candidate, the Dems say, was funded by the GOP. As of this writing, no theories have emerged to explain why 60 percent of his state’s Democrats voted for him.

As the third highest-ranking Democrat in Congress and the go-to guy for screaming racism, Rep. Jim Clyburn (S.C.), was well-positioned to point the Obama finger on this one. As we all know, it would be unthinkable for the Democrats to run an unaccomplished young black candidate with scant credentials, shady funding, nefarious friends from a corrupt state and an almost non-existent voting record, for high office. If Alvin Greene is actually elected, can a Nobel Peace Prize be far behind?

Liberal lapdog Chris “Chill Up My Leg” Matthews opined that this “has the looks of a dirty trick, sort of a Watergate number.” For all you kids out there too young to remember, the Watergate scandal involved the Nixon White House clandestinely funding the campaign entry fee for a Forrest Gump-like, African-American man (although I do not think that term was used back then), with pending porn charges, to run for the Democratic nomination for the U.S. Senate.

Alvin Greene defeated Democratic Party-backed Vic Rawl, a former judge and state legislator. I would like to think we are seeing an anti-incumbent sentiment fueled by the Tea Party movement, but demographic examination of the Democratic voters in South Carolina points to another reason. It does not worry me that these idiot, wannabe politicians run for office. What should bother us all is that we elect them. Maybe we really do get the government we deserve.

Ron Hart is a syndicated op-ed humorist, author and TV/radio commentator. Email Ron@RonaldHart.com or at visit RonaldHart.com

  • BigRmv

    C’mon, y’all. Give the voters of S.C. a break. They voted for him because he looks like Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. And we all know how smart Data was. He was a machine!

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  • cashman

    Kids, while Hart cracks intellectually wise about the Watergate event, you should know the truth:

    36 years ago Republicans broke into the Democrat headquarters at the Watergate hotel to steal documents. As history has tought us, it was the last time Democrats had any ideas worth stealing, and that is why it is important.

    Now go back to eating your fatty snacks that make you obese. Free healthcare is coming, just sit back and do nothing!

    Hart Rocks!

  • marlynmonkey

    Well maybe the Dems knew what they were doing. Alvin is every Democrat’s dream, an unemployed sex offender who is supplemented by the government and lives for free.

    It is like Hart said, That is the Obama I Have a Dream speech.

  • gregbo

    Proving once again, Democrats are too stupid to vote.

  • cashman

    LOL funny column, this Hart guy is on a roll!

    It gets worse for the Palmetto State.

    Researchers at the University of South Carolina found that most parents don’t know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese.

    I think the real news here is that those are the only two options.

  • carpediemtexas

    Masterfully written!

    I am glad Tea Party woman Nikki won last night. And, I like the fact that she might sleep around, makes feel like I got a shot.

    As for SC, they also had that guy arrested for having sex with a horse. Twice.
    I guess it was love.

  • marlynmonkey

    Alvin Greene didn’t bother to campaign and he’s been arrested for showing pornography to a college girl.

    The guy acts like he’s been in office for twenty years!!!

    Another funny and thoughtful column by this writer. He is becoming my favorite. With politics what they are, if you do not laugh you might cry.

    Kudos Mr. Hart!