Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol XX: Man-boob baring Russians, cheese-thieving critics, and draft Tucker Carlson for President

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

You never really answered the question why Tucker Carlson shouldn’t run for President in 2012. He should! I think you know he should, too. Why not list the reasons why he should go for it? He’s a much better candidate than Mitt Romney. Let’s make it happen! –  Dot

Alright, I’ll bite. While Tucker is one of my oldest friends, the last time a reader mentioned him running for president, I listed all the reasons why he’s not viable: the chronic bedwetting, naming his only son “Jermajesty,” disappearing for months at a time to follow his favorite hair band Winger across the country. Not to mention his hatred of babies, minorities, and particularly minority babies.

But why not see the glass half full? Upon further examination, I happen to believe that Tucker would indeed make an excellent president. An American president should first and foremost be committed to a strong national defense, and Tucker owns more guns than any man I know. Since most of them are unregistered, it’ll keep our enemies guessing. War-wise, Tucker believes that we should fight the terrorists in Kansas City so that we don’t have to fight them in Kandahar, thus giving us a much needed home-field advantage. He believes in tax credits for smokers, who will take the burden off our Social Security and Medicare systems by dying young, and he’d support mandatory smoking in elementary school on the theory that if you can get children addicted to cigarettes by fourth grade, they’ll likely contract lung cancer before they ever draw a dime of entitlement money. (Hello, budget surplus.) While a law-and-order conservative, Tucker doesn’t believe in capital punishment – except for those he hates. And he hates a lot of people, so ritual executions could help revitalize Rust Belt towns where unemployed manufacturing workers could be retrained as lethal injectionists. Unlike some presidents I could mention, if elected, Tucker would have a press conference every two weeks, even if he’ll only take questions from Daily Caller, Field & Stream, and Fly Rod & Reel reporters. He would also put an addition on the big tent, reaching out to historically hostile constituencies such as young, liberal women, with his campaign slogan, “As long as I have a face, you’ll have a seat at the table.”  Lastly, he will heal old rivalries, like the one between Herbert-Hoover lovers and cat-haters, with his kitten-in-every-pot economic recovery plan.

So I hereby formally launch a Draft Tucker Carlson for President campaign. The question isn’t how can we elect him? It’s how can we afford not to?

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was publish this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

  • Jim Treacher

    Obama is a big fatso. Yeah, I said it.