Obama’s mishandling of economy has voters looking to Alvin Greene and his dolls for salvation — Can Democrats channel 2008 in November? (No) — Newt: Will he or won’t he? (Maybe) — The Capitol is not safe, be careful at the Capitol —White House flacks push back hard on NASA story, fail to coordinate message — Darrell Issa is coming for you, Google!
1.) Obama’s mishandling of America inspires new hatred for Washington — “A year and a half into Barack Obama’s presidency, 51 percent in a new ABC News/Washington Post poll would rather have the Republicans run Congress ‘to act as a check on Obama’s policies,’ vs. 43 percent who want the Democrats in charge to help support those policies,” reports ABC News. Also: Pres. Obama’s economic approval rating is the lowest it’s ever been, which somehow correlates to the fact that ABC’s Frustration Index “remains well in the red zone.” But it’s not just the prez America despises, it’s all of Congress. “Registered voters by 62-26 percent are inclined to look around for someone new for Congress rather than to re-elect their current representative – the broadest anti-incumbency on record in ABC/Post polls since 1989.” This could be great for candidates who habitually underestimate YouTube, don’t know how to speak in public, want to revive the economy with Barbie dolls, or belonged to a crazy white separatist group!
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2.) All Democrats need is for Obama to recreate the magic of 2008–is that so hard? — Dems have a plan for making sure that no one else takes over Hell, and it is a doozy! All Dems need for this plan to go off without a hitch is for a president no one likes to revive a coalition of voters that no longer exists and somehow disperse its powers of enchantment to districts and states where the constituents have already decided that they are sick and tired of getting screwed by arrogant twerps. But according to the LA Times, this is never gonna happen, because “even the White House concedes that rekindling 2008-style enthusiasm when Obama isn’t on the ballot will be a tough sell.” Apparently, Obama’s following “is not directly transferable.” Also, America is tired of watching Rep. Nancy Pelosi light her votive candles with hundred-dollar bills. Even the Obamaniacs are tired of this, if you can believe it.
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3.) Newt Gingrich is threatening to run for president again — “Former U.S. House Speaker Newt Gingrich said Monday he’s seriously considering seeking the Republican presidential nomination and will announce his decision early next year,” reports the AP. “I’ve never been this serious,” Gingrich said. With Obama’s poll numbers languishing at the bottom of a Port-o-let, Newt believes he can use his redneck charms to win over America. “[Obama] is not Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton was an Arkansas, Southern Baptist, sort of understood middle American. While he had some Yale overtones, being liberal, the truth is Bill Clinton was quite happy to move to the right.” Newt Gingrich is from Georgia, which is a lot like Arkansas in that it is not Chicago.
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4.) The Capitol as drafty fire trap is a fitting metaphor for something — “The Capitol and other congressional buildings are rife with fire traps and other pervasive problems of age and dangerous design, with an estimated 6,300 safety hazards lurking on Capitol Hill this Congress,” reports Politico. “Antique, open stairwells in the Russell Senate Office Building could create a deadly smoke funnel, preventing employees from escaping if the building caught fire or sustained an explosive terrorist attack. The Library of Congress’s Thomas Jefferson Building lacks adequate exit stairwells. The Capitol building itself has structural defects that leave it inadequate to stop the spread of smoke and toxic fumes.” Watch out for terrorists, Congress!
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5.) White House spox denies that $18 billion-a-year space agency is being used for multicultural bull — “Despite NASA Administrator Charles Bolden’s claim that President Obama told him it was NASA’s ‘foremost’ mission to reach out to the Muslim world,” writes The Daily Caller’s Chris Moody, “White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said Monday that this is not a NASA responsibility.” Bolden made the decision to pander to the world’s Muslims–y’all created math!–during an interview with Al-Jazeera, which is not even a real news outlet. The backlash was long and intense, leading Gibbs to deny flat-out that NASA would ever do anything with Muslims ever. “That is not his task,” Gibbs said during a press briefing Monday. “And that’s not the task of NASA.” Gibbs’ comments seemed to contradict those of mini WH spox Nick Shapiro, who defended Bolden by saying, “The space race began as a global competition, but, today, it is a global collaboration.” Which would explain why we can’t even get A MAN ON MARS.
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6.) Annoyer-in-Chief Darrell Issa is going to hound Google until some tech nerd cries like a child and tells Darrell Issa everything — “Top GOP oversight official Rep. Darrell Issa, California Republican, is broadening the scope of his investigation into technology-related ethics and legal problems for the White House to include Google – a company in possession of personal e-mails of many White House aides,” reports The Daily Caller’s Jonathan Strong. “In a July 9 letter, Issa asks Google to outline how it is storing the personal e-mails of key Obama administration officials and how the Mountain View, Calif., company plans to respond to federal subpoenas.” Google had better not lie, because Issa will find out. He will ask them so many questions through so many different media–FOX News, EMAIL, press conference, EMAIL, EMAIL, EMAIL–and he will know if any of those nerds are lying. He is the Viper.
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