Election strategists love ethics violations — GOP wants Paul Ryan to just shut up for a bit — Study: Incompetent handling of American economy is stressing you out, isn’t it? — White House Correspondents Association puts somebody with a pulse in Helen Thomas’ seat —
Abbott and Costello run for Senate in Nevada — Is Nancy Pelosi going crazy? Probably!
1.) Dems, Reps debate best way to spin behavior of corrupt colleagues — The ethics messaging goal is not so much aimed at reassuring the Plebes that the most powerful group of faux-plebeian kleptocrats in the country is capable of policing itself, say Democratic and Republican strategists, as convincing mooing voters that the charges pending against Reps. Charlie Rangel and Maxine Waters are meaningful. “Republicans say allegations that Mr. Rangel didn’t pay taxes on rental income from a house he owned in the Dominican Republic could play most directly into their message,” reports the Wall Street Journal. “Some” Democrats beg to differ, arguing instead that “the trials wouldn’t overly sway the election, because the economy and the Democrats’ efforts to rescue it will be the hot topic.” And just like that, the ways in which Congress resembles a taut pustule is less important than whether that pustule should really be the focus in November. When America comes to Washington, toting the pitchforks and blaring the Jonas Brothers, they won’t be looking for answers anymore. They will be out for blood.
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2.) Paul Ryan continues to make his party fellows wish that he was just a teensy bit dumb — Is Rep. Paul Ryan too smart for his own good? “He will go anywhere and talk to anyone who will listen” about the national debt, reports the Washington Post. “He administers his sermons with evangelical zeal,” and can be found on the mean streets, late at night, yelling at other Republicans, “Would you cut Social Security in a box? With a fox? Say! In the dark? Here in the dark! Would you, could you, in the dark?” Ryan has been pushing the “Roadmap for America’s Future” so hard, in fact, that it is already in its third Xeroxing. The only people who aren’t interested in it? The GOP. “Even as they praise Ryan for his doggedness,” many Republicans “privately consider the Roadmap a path to electoral disaster.” Says Ryan, “Political people always tell their candidates to stay away from controversy. They say, ‘Don’t propose anything new or bold because the other side will use it against you.'” Or even his own side might do this, who knows?
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3.) America is graying overnight — “More than two-thirds of the nation’s 3,141 counties, and 37 of 50 states, endured more hardship in June than in May,” reports the AP. But you probably already know this, and that is why you are eating that big tub of ice cream for breakfast! Look, put that down for a minute. “The AP’s index calculates a score for each county and state from 1 to 100 based on unemployment, foreclosure and bankruptcy rates. A higher score indicates more economic stress. Under a rough rule of thumb, a county is considered stressed when its score exceeds 11. The AP’s index found the average county’s Stress score in June was 10.5, up from 10.3 in May. About 42 percent of the nation’s counties were found to be stressed. That was slightly higher than May’s reading of 40 percent.” Can you feel the stress? Of course you can! That is why you still are not dressed! Get dressed! Go to work! They’re going to take your home if you don’t go to work!
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4.) FOX lands front-row seat in White House Sycophant Club — In what is surely the least important piece of news you will read all day, The Hill reports that FOX News will be moving to the front row in the White House briefing room, and that the AP will take the seat of anti-Semitic reporter-mummy Helen Thomas. According to the Hill, “FOX News will replace the AP in its former seat, also in the front row, and NPR, which lobbied for Thomas’ seat along with FOX and Bloomberg News, will take FOX’s former seat in the second row.” This means FOX will be able to see the contempt in White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ eyes as he lies to all of America.
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5.) What if nobody wins in Nevada? — “The most popular ballot option might not be for a person at all,” argues the Las Vegas Sun. “‘None of these candidates’ is expected to draw a significant portion of the vote in November because of the candidates’ unpopularity and the pessimistic mood of the electorate.” Apparently, Pekoe-annointed Tea Partier candidate Sharron Angle is disliked by 56% of Nevadans, which means she’s beating Majority Leader Harry Reid by a full percentage point in the race to not get elected. “Nevada is the only state to allow voters a none-of-the-above option in statewide races,” reports the Sun. “The Legislature instituted it in 1975 amid the mistrust of government brought on by the Watergate scandal.” Today, “the none-of-the-above option is a way for the electorate to register a protest vote.” Can you imagine? Nobody is here! Nobody needs to vote! Nobody touched that intern! It’s like an Abbott and Costello routine, except millions of dollars and the fate of the American empire are at stake!
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6.) Pelosi’s lack of fear a sign that she is either delusional or a liar — “I’m not nervous at all,” Pelosi said during an intimate but firm one-on-one with Christiane Amanpour. “I never take anything for granted. And our agenda now is … we’re not going back to the failed policies of the Bush administration. We’re going forward.” When Amanpour asked Pelosi about doubts expressed by Robert Gibbs, who Pelosi wants to kill kill kill, the House speaker responded that she doesn’t “spend a whole lot of time thinking about what the president’s employees say about one thing or another.” And why would she? It’s not, like, meaningful or anything that the official mouthpiece of the leader of your party thinks you are going to get flanked by a bunch of Tea Partiers.
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