Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXVII: An anti-tattoo manifesto, letting kids be kids, and playing the deaf card

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

Matt, would it be unethical or smart for me to use my deafness to lure women, get into grad school, and become an unproductive member of society? In my defense, it’s my “race card.” -  Philip

So you’re suggesting that people who play the race card are, by definition, unproductive members of society? I’m not saying it’s right to play the race card, but we all play the advantages we are dealt. I, for instance, got this gig by playing the straight card. I am the only straight person who writes for The Daily Caller. Am I a token? Yes, probably. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have contributions to make by bringing my unique straight perspective to bear on the issues of the day.

That said, minorities are born minorities and I was born heterosexual. We can’t run away from who we are. Whereas, you can color me skeptical about your deafness. I don’t really think people are born deaf. I think it’s a learned behavior. If it’s not, then why do all “deaf” people talk the same way? Maybe if you stopped flapping your hands around so much, it’d be easier to listen. But if that’s your shtick, do whatever works for you. Go ahead and mention it on your grad school application. But whatever you do, don’t tell your special gal pal that you’re deaf. Most women just want someone to listen to them, to understand. You can pretend to do so, without actually having to. Just nod your head a lot in agreement, while thinking about your master’s thesis. You’re going to make some young lady very happy.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cory-Armbrecht/709345642 Cory Armbrecht

    Wow, this is unbelievable. Incredibly one-sided (which I take it MUST be the point) Would graffiti look good on the Parthenon? Probably not, unless it was a skilled graffiti artist. But I bet it would look AMAZING with a mural! I would say the majority of tattoos in today’s younger generation are more akin to murals than graffiti. Just because you don’t approve of them doesn’t mean you have to call every woman that does a porn star-murderer. Most people (under the age of, oh, the average age of overly-conservative Republicans) I know find well done tattoos on women extremely sexy. I agree with the first guy, have fun staying boring and closed-old-testament-minded, it won’t bother the rest of us.

    • ArianaHuffingPaint

      You should tattoo this whole stupid post on your face.

    • jemb66

      WOW you really have to lighten up! I wonder how long your reply would be if it were something that mattered?

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  • http://to-god-and-country.blogspot.com flataffect

    @pipandbaby,

    No, but don’t expect others to know the difference.

    • pipandbaby

      That’s fine, because I don’t either.

  • pipandbaby

    I have a tattoo, but it’s from a sewing needle and india ink. Does that make me an ex-con?

    • ArianaHuffingPaint

      No, it makes you a Hepatitis C patient.