Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXVII: An anti-tattoo manifesto, letting kids be kids, and playing the deaf card

Matt, would it be unethical or smart for me to use my deafness to lure women, get into grad school, and become an unproductive member of society? In my defense, it’s my “race card.” –  Philip

So you’re suggesting that people who play the race card are, by definition, unproductive members of society? I’m not saying it’s right to play the race card, but we all play the advantages we are dealt. I, for instance, got this gig by playing the straight card. I am the only straight person who writes for The Daily Caller. Am I a token? Yes, probably. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have contributions to make by bringing my unique straight perspective to bear on the issues of the day.

That said, minorities are born minorities and I was born heterosexual. We can’t run away from who we are. Whereas, you can color me skeptical about your deafness. I don’t really think people are born deaf. I think it’s a learned behavior. If it’s not, then why do all “deaf” people talk the same way? Maybe if you stopped flapping your hands around so much, it’d be easier to listen. But if that’s your shtick, do whatever works for you. Go ahead and mention it on your grad school application. But whatever you do, don’t tell your special gal pal that you’re deaf. Most women just want someone to listen to them, to understand. You can pretend to do so, without actually having to. Just nod your head a lot in agreement, while thinking about your master’s thesis. You’re going to make some young lady very happy.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

  • Cory Armbrecht

    Wow, this is unbelievable. Incredibly one-sided (which I take it MUST be the point) Would graffiti look good on the Parthenon? Probably not, unless it was a skilled graffiti artist. But I bet it would look AMAZING with a mural! I would say the majority of tattoos in today’s younger generation are more akin to murals than graffiti. Just because you don’t approve of them doesn’t mean you have to call every woman that does a porn star-murderer. Most people (under the age of, oh, the average age of overly-conservative Republicans) I know find well done tattoos on women extremely sexy. I agree with the first guy, have fun staying boring and closed-old-testament-minded, it won’t bother the rest of us.

    • ArianaHuffingPaint

      You should tattoo this whole stupid post on your face.

    • jemb66

      WOW you really have to lighten up! I wonder how long your reply would be if it were something that mattered?

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  • flataffect


    No, but don’t expect others to know the difference.

    • pipandbaby

      That’s fine, because I don’t either.

  • pipandbaby

    I have a tattoo, but it’s from a sewing needle and india ink. Does that make me an ex-con?

    • ArianaHuffingPaint

      No, it makes you a Hepatitis C patient.