Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXX: A screed against male tears, the magic of Mom Jorts, and Lady Gaga’s tailor

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

I noted your first suggestion for keeping away Mormon (& Muslim) missionaries was strikingly similar to Lady Gaga’s meat dress at the VMAs. I also don’t recall seeing any Mormons or Muslims anywhere near Lady Gaga (although I think my dog became a fan of hers). This leads to two possible explanations. Either Matt Labash is moonlighting as Lady Gaga’s dress designer, or, Lady Gaga is a Matt Labash follower. Which is it? – wfjag

It’s a little bit of both. I don’t really follow her music, due to my heterosexuality. But we do know each other. Here’s a picture of us taken in front of a volcano. Some people say the lighting kind of makes me look like Kanye:

I am, however, something of a fashion Svengali to her. I don’t like to brag, it’s not my way. But I do know a lot about fashion (see Mom Jorts advice, above). So when it comes to Lady Gaga dressing herself, I’m kind of like John Derek was to Bo Derek, or like Eugene Landy was to Brian Wilson. Except instead of telling her to get naked (John’s advice to Bo) or to wear billowy Twinkie-caked nightshirts that are comfortable in bed since you never leave your room  (Landy to Wilson), I told Lady Gaga, “Wear meat. It’s colorful, it’s functional, and it makes people want to eat you up.”

Though we did have a bit of a row over it. She went with flank steak. I wanted her to go with skirt. It’s a fattier cut, yes, but it also marinates better and grills faster, which would’ve come in handy for the VMA after-party. She didn’t listen, though. The girl has a mind of her own. I do worry for her that if she keeps upping the outrageous fashion ante, there’s nowhere left to go. So I’ve advised her to walk it back next year, and to wear something more subtle and classic-looking, like a dead-babies dress, or a sucking chest wound.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

  • killtruck

    1. There’s one acceptable place for a man to cry, alone in his car on his way to work. Jort money doesn’t grow on trees.

    2. Your Jorts sound a lot like capris.

  • rmeav8or

    Okay, no crying in baseball. But football – The original Brian’s Song w/James Caan and B.D. Williams – brings a tear every time

  • srvdisciple

    ..and I think men are allowed to cry when they watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU

  • Vuvuzela

    Lady Gaga – sounds like some kind of bizzare woman wrestler. Will she be speaking at the 2012 Dem Convention?

  • Rachel Maddow

    What a bait and switch this was. Here, I was hoping to get a look at Gaga in the buff and there is no picture here.

    Well, that’s okay, I guess, cuz Susie walked in the room while I was clicking the link. She would have been a tad jealous.