Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXX: A screed against male tears, the magic of Mom Jorts, and Lady Gaga’s tailor

I noted your first suggestion for keeping away Mormon (& Muslim) missionaries was strikingly similar to Lady Gaga’s meat dress at the VMAs. I also don’t recall seeing any Mormons or Muslims anywhere near Lady Gaga (although I think my dog became a fan of hers). This leads to two possible explanations. Either Matt Labash is moonlighting as Lady Gaga’s dress designer, or, Lady Gaga is a Matt Labash follower. Which is it? – wfjag

It’s a little bit of both. I don’t really follow her music, due to my heterosexuality. But we do know each other. Here’s a picture of us taken in front of a volcano. Some people say the lighting kind of makes me look like Kanye:

I am, however, something of a fashion Svengali to her. I don’t like to brag, it’s not my way. But I do know a lot about fashion (see Mom Jorts advice, above). So when it comes to Lady Gaga dressing herself, I’m kind of like John Derek was to Bo Derek, or like Eugene Landy was to Brian Wilson. Except instead of telling her to get naked (John’s advice to Bo) or to wear billowy Twinkie-caked nightshirts that are comfortable in bed since you never leave your room  (Landy to Wilson), I told Lady Gaga, “Wear meat. It’s colorful, it’s functional, and it makes people want to eat you up.”

Though we did have a bit of a row over it. She went with flank steak. I wanted her to go with skirt. It’s a fattier cut, yes, but it also marinates better and grills faster, which would’ve come in handy for the VMA after-party. She didn’t listen, though. The girl has a mind of her own. I do worry for her that if she keeps upping the outrageous fashion ante, there’s nowhere left to go. So I’ve advised her to walk it back next year, and to wear something more subtle and classic-looking, like a dead-babies dress, or a sucking chest wound.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.