Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXI: Raising awareness about Stephen Colbert, pimp-slapping the Constitution, and potty training tips

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Dear Matt: After watching Steve Colbert’s “joke”-filled testimony on illegal farm workers implode and blast open a (virtual, unfortunately) crater on Capitol Hill, I immediately thought of you. My question: When do you intend to bring your ripe comedic stylings to one of those committees and on which sad-sack issue do you think you would be most effective? Your buddy, Sydney Duodenum

Stephen Colbert is a wickedly talented man, and I don’t pretend for a second that I could hold his comedic jock. Nor would I ever want to. I’m told it smells like Blue Star Ointment and old cheese. That said, I was a little disappointed in his performance. Not the performance itself, but the fact that he even gave it. It’s rather arrogant to just show up on the Hill with no experience and make a mockery of Congress, when most of the good people of Congress have worked their entire careers to make mockeries of themselves.

When Rep. John Conyers, who had seemingly had enough of the spectacle before it even began, kindly asked Mr. Colbert to leave, he should have. After all, this is the distinguished John Conyers. The same John Conyers who won a Bronze Star for bravery in World War II, who served as governor of Texas, and who miraculously recovered from his bullet wounds after being in the car in Dealey Plaza on that fateful day when President John F. Kennedy was cut down in his prime. Wait. Hold on a second………..Okay, now I’m being told that was John Connally. My bad.

John Conyers, rather, is the congressman who admitted fault when two of his aides charged that he forced them to chauffeur and baby-sit his children. And he is also married to Monica Conyers, the former Detroit city councilwoman who has been in a barroom brawl, who threatened to shoot a mayoral staffer as well as have him beaten up, who twice called a bald fellow city councilmember “Shrek” during a public hearing, and who pleaded guilty in a bribery case which recently saw her sentenced to 37 months in federal prison. So I don’t care who you are. If John Conyers implies that you’re bringing indignity to his office, trust him – he knows a thing or two about the subject.

As for your question about what issue I’d be most effective testifying about, I think I’d probably raise awareness. Because that’s why these celebs go to the Hill to testify, right? To raise awareness about a particular issue. Well I’m not interested in issues. I’m interested in awareness. And raising it. So I would testify that we should raise awareness about raising awareness. I don’t care what you’re aware of. It doesn’t matter to me. I just want you to be aware that you should be aware of something.

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