Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXI: Raising awareness about Stephen Colbert, pimp-slapping the Constitution, and potty training tips

Matt, how do you respond to leftists who accuse former President George W. Bush of “trampling the Constitution”? – Dreedle

With violence, usually. And not because I’m a defender of George W. Bush’s. I couldn’t even hold my nose and vote for the guy again by 2004. I’m just not a big fan of those who invoke “The Constitution” in an argument. It suggests an intellectual laziness. First, most of them haven’t even read the damn thing. At best, they have passing familiarity with one or two of the Bill of Rights. Something easy, like the First Amendment. So it’s always worth asking which part of the Constitution, specifically, did George W. Bush trample? What? Did he violate Article IV, Section 3, and form a new state within the jurisdiction of another state? Or did he trample Article I, Section 9, and grant a title of nobility while we weren’t looking? Be specific, whiners.

Also, I mean, I like the Constitution and all. But if the Constitution is such hot snot, if it’s so sacrosanct, then why have we had to amend it 27 times? And even then, some amendments exist merely to undo other amendments (The 18th Amendment taketh liquor away. The 21st Amendment giveth it back.) So maybe the Constitution doesn’t need to be trampled exactly. But maybe it needs to be pimp-slapped, and told to make up its mind already.

If you really want to be an interesting leftist, then, and not sound like every other cliché-spewing Daily Kossack, show me something different, and accuse George W. Bush of trampling our Declaration of Independence or The Treaty of Greenville or something. Let’s mix it up a little.

Hi Matt- Do you have any tips or advice on how to potty-train a toddler boy? Yours, B – an exasperated mom with pee stains everywhere in the house…

I’ve found that one of the most effective means of training is mild electric shocks. It worked wonders on my dog when we installed his Invisible Fence. We don’t even bother putting his shock collar on anymore, and he still won’t go over the line. So maybe take your boy out to a cow pasture and have him squirt on an electric fence. That ought to teach him to keep his urine to himself.

But before you revert to that, I’m a little troubled by these “pee stains everywhere in the house.” You really oughtn’t pee all over your house. It sets a horrible example for your son. Use the facilities. Lead by doing.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.