Here, then, are my three wishes in order:
1. My first wish would be to give my wishes to somebody more deserving, someone who could really use them. Maybe somebody terminally ill. Because in addition to being unpredictable, that’s the kind of person I am: Selfless. Caring. All about other people. Committing acts of unsung heroism. And then singing about them. Not to promote myself. But to promote my heroic works, so that others might learn from me and with mindful humility, do likewise.
2. My second wish would be to take my first wish back. What if the terminally ill person doesn’t live long enough to ask for all three wishes? That would be a waste, and in this age of limited resources, I’m pro-conservation. Plus, aren’t people always giving the terminally ill wishes, i.e., the Make a Wish Foundation? How much is enough, terminally ill people? Leave some wishes for the rest of us, already. Besides, we’re all sort of terminally ill in one way or another. No matter how healthy you feel today, not a one of us is getting out of here alive.
3. Leading to my third wish: bring back the original taco-flavored Doritos. They were a 1970’s staple food. They tasted neither like tacos, nor Doritos, and yet somehow, they added up to more than the sum of their parts. Since their discontinuation, I have soured on the entire Doritos franchise. I’ve been unable to eat nacho cheese flavored Doritos since once pulling what looked like a spare-rib bone from out of one of their bags. And Cool Ranch-flavored Doritos, though they’ve now been around for a quarter of a century, still seem like a desperation play – particularly when they renamed them “Cooler Ranch.” (Call me when you achieve “Coolest Ranch,” maybe I’ll reevaluate.) These days, the Frito-Lay company just seems to be making an outright mockery of us with noxious flavors such as Doritos X-13D Flavor Experiment and “mystery” flavors such as cheeseburger and Mountain Dew. These are less snack-worthy comestibles than something you would drop behind enemy lines as a PSYOPS experiment in terror. It’s time to get back to basics, back to that which knit us together and made us the world’s only remaining superpower: original taco-flavored Doritos. For I don’t care if your forefathers came over four centuries ago on the Mayflower, or if you illegally slid over the border last week from Juarez. It doesn’t matter if you’re a lettuce-picking illegal or Tom Tancredo. One thing we can all agree on is that everybody loves them some tacos.
NEXT: If Labash had a fourth wish, what would it be?