Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLI: How to hate healthily, Liechtensteinian mail-order brides, and existential wisdom

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

Editors Note: Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here

I dream of a free USA. Unfortunately, this means the destruction of the District of Columbia and the Beltway at rush hour while Congress is in session – perhaps a Nork nuke with an Iranian 12th Imam nuclear chaser. My question: is it immoral to goad Kim-whatever into doing the necessary deed? – Joe Studd

Yes, it is immoral. Let me suggest this to you, however:  If you had a red phone that buzzed straight to Whichever-Kim-We’re-On, and he crawled out from under his big pile of Michael Jackson bootlegs and empty Hennessy bottles, answered your call, and offered to push the button on your desired target, you’d rescind your request. Why? Because at heart, you’re a humanitarian? Not even close.

The reason you would decline, is because with a name like “Joe Studd,” you are clearly a good American. And if there’s one thing we good Americans enjoy doing, it’s complaining. You love to complain, because you likely have enough water and food and sufficient shelter with high-speed Internet access and therefore you have the discretionary income and leisure time that lends itself to complaining in a way that say, Haitians, don’t, since they are too busy contracting cholera and gathering enough dirt to bake into their dirt cakes for their biweekly meal.

And if there are two things Americans like complaining about, it’s Congress and rush-hour traffic. You not only hate these things because they’re worth hating. But you hate them because you need something to hate. And hating Nancy Grace and the New York Yankees and  your neighbor who is cuckolding you behind your back (all of whom you should hate), just doesn’t scratch your hatred itch entirely. So in a sense, you depend on Congress and rush hour traffic to help you innocuously fill your hatred quota.

Many people say that love is all you need. And I really hate them for saying that. Because a wise friend of mine, the political black-bag artist Roger Stone, likes to say, “Hate is a stronger motivator than love.” (Stone, incidentally, is one of the most highly-motivated people I know.) So don’t wish away that which brings you so much pleasure. In your perfect world, you should hope that Congress builds a one-lane highway through the Rayburn building, with lots of stoplights, and that you have to commute on it. The traffic would be backed up to Richmond. It would take you eight hours, one way. It would eat up so much clock that your neighbor could have congress with your wife three times, and still have time left over to watch Nancy Grace and the Yankees game. And that would be the best gift Congress could give you. Because then you could complain all day long and hate with your whole heart. Which, of course, you would love.

  • WEM

    There are 16 divorced men in my division (23 men total). All 16 without exception are looking for brides outside of the US. They don’t want a mail order bride; they want a real relationship. My co-workers are travelling to places like Brazil, Colombia, Panama, Romania, China, Russia, or Serbia. They are all looking for intelligent educated women who don’t act like Americans.

    Every one of these men lost everything after their divorces so they hope to find women without the American greed gene. I wish them good luck and happy hunting. I must remind them though at every opportunity “gooney-goo-goo”. If you’re laughing right now then you’ve seen Eddie Murphy before he was doing kids movies.

  • SargeH

    Keep it up, Matt. I always enjoy your writing. And about those S.E. Cupp rumors….

  • jakethesnake76

    Matt you forgot to tell us the website for this MOB lol man you had me rolling dude, love yer stuff , and i believe you and S.E. Cupp are the same person cause i kno you wouldn’t lie lol

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  • redass

    Does this guy draw a paycheck this crap?

    • SargeH

      Guess you didn’t inherit the humor gene.