Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLI: How to hate healthily, Liechtensteinian mail-order brides, and existential wisdom

Editors Note: Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here

I dream of a free USA. Unfortunately, this means the destruction of the District of Columbia and the Beltway at rush hour while Congress is in session – perhaps a Nork nuke with an Iranian 12th Imam nuclear chaser. My question: is it immoral to goad Kim-whatever into doing the necessary deed? – Joe Studd

Yes, it is immoral. Let me suggest this to you, however:  If you had a red phone that buzzed straight to Whichever-Kim-We’re-On, and he crawled out from under his big pile of Michael Jackson bootlegs and empty Hennessy bottles, answered your call, and offered to push the button on your desired target, you’d rescind your request. Why? Because at heart, you’re a humanitarian? Not even close.

The reason you would decline, is because with a name like “Joe Studd,” you are clearly a good American. And if there’s one thing we good Americans enjoy doing, it’s complaining. You love to complain, because you likely have enough water and food and sufficient shelter with high-speed Internet access and therefore you have the discretionary income and leisure time that lends itself to complaining in a way that say, Haitians, don’t, since they are too busy contracting cholera and gathering enough dirt to bake into their dirt cakes for their biweekly meal.

And if there are two things Americans like complaining about, it’s Congress and rush-hour traffic. You not only hate these things because they’re worth hating. But you hate them because you need something to hate. And hating Nancy Grace and the New York Yankees and  your neighbor who is cuckolding you behind your back (all of whom you should hate), just doesn’t scratch your hatred itch entirely. So in a sense, you depend on Congress and rush hour traffic to help you innocuously fill your hatred quota.

Many people say that love is all you need. And I really hate them for saying that. Because a wise friend of mine, the political black-bag artist Roger Stone, likes to say, “Hate is a stronger motivator than love.” (Stone, incidentally, is one of the most highly-motivated people I know.) So don’t wish away that which brings you so much pleasure. In your perfect world, you should hope that Congress builds a one-lane highway through the Rayburn building, with lots of stoplights, and that you have to commute on it. The traffic would be backed up to Richmond. It would take you eight hours, one way. It would eat up so much clock that your neighbor could have congress with your wife three times, and still have time left over to watch Nancy Grace and the Yankees game. And that would be the best gift Congress could give you. Because then you could complain all day long and hate with your whole heart. Which, of course, you would love.