Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLI: How to hate healthily, Liechtensteinian mail-order brides, and existential wisdom

Dear Matt, Not that you are an expert in this subject, but I still value your opinion: which country has the best mail order brides? I would really like to get the most bang for my buck! – Pryor

I’d like to help you out, my friend. You sound lonely, and I can’t quite put my finger on why. But I cannot answer this question as formulated: It’s vile, it’s piggish, and it’s demeaning to women. That might be your way, but it’s not mine. I worship women. Not as objects, because that would be objectification, which my Womyn’s Studies professor in college told me was a big no-no. So strike that. I don’t worship them. I admire them. For their grace. For their strength. And for the tolerance they display by not calling the authorities when I steal underwear from their laundry hamper for inclusion in my Worn Panties Shrine. (Which I keep strictly for sniffing purposes – I’m not some kind of pervert.)

That said, I’d forego the whole Asian bride business. It’s been overdone. And when you see a young, attractive, non-English speaking Asian woman with a dopey, middle-aged white guy, it immediately arouses suspicion that she came postmarked. Who wants their children living under that kind of a cloud? I’d go with some place a little more low-profile and less suspicious: Liechtenstein. Most people have never even met a native Liechtensteinian, if that’s what they’re even called. Probably because their country is only 61.8 square miles, with a population of merely 35,000 people.

The smallness and insignificance of this alpine microstate (they ditched their army entirely after the Austro-Prussian War), means that your bride, in all likelihood, will have a lot to prove, and thus, will overcompensate when trying to please you. I don’t have to be Dr. Drew to tell you that any truly successful marriage turns on an imbalance of power. But another upside of a Liechtensteinian mail-order bride is that her principality boasts the highest gross-domestic-product per person of any place in the world. Meaning that she is not just marrying you for money. She is likely coming to America for the right reasons: for love, a Costco card, and a fair chance of landing on her own basic-cable reality show.

If you were one of us and had a chance to ask someone of great wisdom like yourself a question, what would it be? – M. Llamo

That’s a tough one. But if I had the chance to ask myself anything, it’d probably look something like this:

Dear Matt,
What is the meaning of life?
– Name Withheld

I wouldn’t have a response, either. Not because I don’t know the correct answer. I do. But that would be like answering my own question. Which would kind of resemble talking to myself. Which would make me sound like a crazy person. And I’m not sure the world needs one more crazy person talking to himself. We already have Ed Schultz.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

  • WEM

    There are 16 divorced men in my division (23 men total). All 16 without exception are looking for brides outside of the US. They don’t want a mail order bride; they want a real relationship. My co-workers are travelling to places like Brazil, Colombia, Panama, Romania, China, Russia, or Serbia. They are all looking for intelligent educated women who don’t act like Americans.

    Every one of these men lost everything after their divorces so they hope to find women without the American greed gene. I wish them good luck and happy hunting. I must remind them though at every opportunity “gooney-goo-goo”. If you’re laughing right now then you’ve seen Eddie Murphy before he was doing kids movies.

  • SargeH

    Keep it up, Matt. I always enjoy your writing. And about those S.E. Cupp rumors….

  • jakethesnake76

    Matt you forgot to tell us the website for this MOB lol man you had me rolling dude, love yer stuff , and i believe you and S.E. Cupp are the same person cause i kno you wouldn’t lie lol

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  • redass

    Does this guy draw a paycheck this crap?

    • SargeH

      Guess you didn’t inherit the humor gene.