Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLI: How to hate healthily, Liechtensteinian mail-order brides, and existential wisdom

Dear Matt, Not that you are an expert in this subject, but I still value your opinion: which country has the best mail order brides? I would really like to get the most bang for my buck! – Pryor

I’d like to help you out, my friend. You sound lonely, and I can’t quite put my finger on why. But I cannot answer this question as formulated: It’s vile, it’s piggish, and it’s demeaning to women. That might be your way, but it’s not mine. I worship women. Not as objects, because that would be objectification, which my Womyn’s Studies professor in college told me was a big no-no. So strike that. I don’t worship them. I admire them. For their grace. For their strength. And for the tolerance they display by not calling the authorities when I steal underwear from their laundry hamper for inclusion in my Worn Panties Shrine. (Which I keep strictly for sniffing purposes – I’m not some kind of pervert.)

That said, I’d forego the whole Asian bride business. It’s been overdone. And when you see a young, attractive, non-English speaking Asian woman with a dopey, middle-aged white guy, it immediately arouses suspicion that she came postmarked. Who wants their children living under that kind of a cloud? I’d go with some place a little more low-profile and less suspicious: Liechtenstein. Most people have never even met a native Liechtensteinian, if that’s what they’re even called. Probably because their country is only 61.8 square miles, with a population of merely 35,000 people.

The smallness and insignificance of this alpine microstate (they ditched their army entirely after the Austro-Prussian War), means that your bride, in all likelihood, will have a lot to prove, and thus, will overcompensate when trying to please you. I don’t have to be Dr. Drew to tell you that any truly successful marriage turns on an imbalance of power. But another upside of a Liechtensteinian mail-order bride is that her principality boasts the highest gross-domestic-product per person of any place in the world. Meaning that she is not just marrying you for money. She is likely coming to America for the right reasons: for love, a Costco card, and a fair chance of landing on her own basic-cable reality show.

If you were one of us and had a chance to ask someone of great wisdom like yourself a question, what would it be? – M. Llamo

That’s a tough one. But if I had the chance to ask myself anything, it’d probably look something like this:

Dear Matt,
What is the meaning of life?
– Name Withheld

I wouldn’t have a response, either. Not because I don’t know the correct answer. I do. But that would be like answering my own question. Which would kind of resemble talking to myself. Which would make me sound like a crazy person. And I’m not sure the world needs one more crazy person talking to himself. We already have Ed Schultz.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.