Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: The Mary Katharine Ham Museum, and how to dispose of a body without getting caught

Right off the bat I have to say that I love your writings, but I must admit that I do not always love your politics. That said, my question is: What is the best way to dispose of a human torso? Not the whole body mind you, just the torso. Particularly, Mr. Labash, how would one dispose of this torso in such a way as to not alert the delicate sensitivities of people who fancy themselves “authorities?” Please advise and thank you. – Mike

Whatever your leanings, this is an important question that transcends politics, and one that comes up often when I’m lecturing in schools and churches. Your first mistake when finding yourself in possession of a body in need of disposal (and I’m not asking why – because my job isn’t to ask questions, but to provide solutions), is to only dispose of the torso. Leaving spare parts for the lawman to find is where the trouble usually starts.

That’s why I suggest going with the Jeffrey Dahmer/Plains Indians hybrid approach. Dahmer, you might recall, was renowned for cannibalism. The problem was, he didn’t eat the whole body, just the parts he found tastiest. Any amateur can eat tender thigh meat or pick ribs clean, but choking down a gall bladder does take a higher level of dedication, and is a taste you might never acquire, which is why it’s advisable to dispose of bodies in winter or during allergy season, when you’re much likelier to have a stuffy nose.

Similarly, don’t be greedy, and start freezing everything like Dahmer did. You didn’t just go shopping in the meat department at Costco. Volume is the enemy. You want to reduce stock, not increase it.  Besides, if you’re a family man, it’s kind of creepy. What if your kids reach into the freezer to fetch a popsicle, and pull out a human head instead? Be conscientious. Just because you’re a cold-blooded killer doesn’t mean you have to set a bad example for your children.

This is where we turn to the Plains Indians, from whom we can learn a lot, or from whom we could have learned a lot, before we slaughtered most of them, swiped their land, and made the rest of them blackjack dealers. When the Indians killed a buffalo, they used the whole thing, eating everything that was edible, and many things that weren’t. Then they’d make rattles out of the hooves, knife cases out of the rawhide, and headdresses out of the horns.

Similarly, you’re going to need to get rid of things like human teeth. I suggest collecting all of them in a vitamin dispenser, then swallowing at least one every day until they’re gone. Most are no bigger than a fish oil supplement, so this shouldn’t be too hard (unless you’re disposing of Gary Busey – that one’s got some choppers on him). Yes, they’ll pass through your system. But collecting that DNA specimen is not an episode of “CSI” anyone wants to star in, so you’re probably safe. If you can’t bear to swallow them, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. So maybe think about homemade jewelry. Nothing says “I’d kill for you, baby” like slipping your wife some human-teeth earrings or an understated tennis bracelet fashioned from back molars.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.