Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: The Mary Katharine Ham Museum, and how to dispose of a body without getting caught

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

Right off the bat I have to say that I love your writings, but I must admit that I do not always love your politics. That said, my question is: What is the best way to dispose of a human torso? Not the whole body mind you, just the torso. Particularly, Mr. Labash, how would one dispose of this torso in such a way as to not alert the delicate sensitivities of people who fancy themselves “authorities?” Please advise and thank you. – Mike

Whatever your leanings, this is an important question that transcends politics, and one that comes up often when I’m lecturing in schools and churches. Your first mistake when finding yourself in possession of a body in need of disposal (and I’m not asking why – because my job isn’t to ask questions, but to provide solutions), is to only dispose of the torso. Leaving spare parts for the lawman to find is where the trouble usually starts.

That’s why I suggest going with the Jeffrey Dahmer/Plains Indians hybrid approach. Dahmer, you might recall, was renowned for cannibalism. The problem was, he didn’t eat the whole body, just the parts he found tastiest. Any amateur can eat tender thigh meat or pick ribs clean, but choking down a gall bladder does take a higher level of dedication, and is a taste you might never acquire, which is why it’s advisable to dispose of bodies in winter or during allergy season, when you’re much likelier to have a stuffy nose.

Similarly, don’t be greedy, and start freezing everything like Dahmer did. You didn’t just go shopping in the meat department at Costco. Volume is the enemy. You want to reduce stock, not increase it.  Besides, if you’re a family man, it’s kind of creepy. What if your kids reach into the freezer to fetch a popsicle, and pull out a human head instead? Be conscientious. Just because you’re a cold-blooded killer doesn’t mean you have to set a bad example for your children.

This is where we turn to the Plains Indians, from whom we can learn a lot, or from whom we could have learned a lot, before we slaughtered most of them, swiped their land, and made the rest of them blackjack dealers. When the Indians killed a buffalo, they used the whole thing, eating everything that was edible, and many things that weren’t. Then they’d make rattles out of the hooves, knife cases out of the rawhide, and headdresses out of the horns.

Similarly, you’re going to need to get rid of things like human teeth. I suggest collecting all of them in a vitamin dispenser, then swallowing at least one every day until they’re gone. Most are no bigger than a fish oil supplement, so this shouldn’t be too hard (unless you’re disposing of Gary Busey – that one’s got some choppers on him). Yes, they’ll pass through your system. But collecting that DNA specimen is not an episode of “CSI” anyone wants to star in, so you’re probably safe. If you can’t bear to swallow them, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. So maybe think about homemade jewelry. Nothing says “I’d kill for you, baby” like slipping your wife some human-teeth earrings or an understated tennis bracelet fashioned from back molars.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

  • blewits

    “Volume is the enemy.” God you are one sick and funny bastard!

  • jic1

    “Any amateur can eat tender thigh meat or pick ribs clean, but choking down a gall bladder does take a higher level of dedication”

    Lord Dunsany wrote a Sherlock Holmes-style short story called *Two Bottles of Relish* that dealt with that very subject. The plot depended on the idea that Brits in the first half of the 20th Century wouldn’t even consider disobeying the instructions on a jar of relish: if it said ‘for meat’, that meant it couldn’t possibly be eaten with anything else…

  • I_Walk_Alone

    Just curious, but when will Mary Kathrine Ham do a “Maxim” or “Playboy” magazine photo spread ?
    Its been awhile since I’ve had a ‘fetish’ about a SEXY ‘Conservative’ Babe…

    • E7-2521

      I’ll second that.

    • jic1

      Only if it’s a tasteful, almost fully-clothed pillow fight photo shoot with her and S.E. Cupp.

      • callenlaw

        Or at least, BEGINS as said tasteful, almost fully-clothed pillow fight…

    • manbearpig

      Its looking like there might be a run on those $10 tickets.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Quinney/1619139154 Michael Quinney

    Wood chipper and heavy duty Hefty trash bags.

  • A. C.

    In two words, alkaline hydrolysis.

    Google it. Takes time and can get a little hot, though (thermally, not just criminally). Grind up what little is left and spread it under the roses, it’s cheaper than buying bone meal.

  • shelby1414

    “I have a shotgun and a shovel and I doubt you will be missed”
    -from the movie Clueless

  • crustyb

    If I need to dispose of a body I put it in a bathtub, cover it with caramel and tell Rosie O’Donnell it’s a crème brûlée.

    • leeharvey418

      That’s just wrong.

      Funny, but wrong,.

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