“The junk merchant doesn’t sell his product to the consumer, he sells the consumer to the product. He does not improve and simplify his merchandise. He degrades and simplifies the client.”
– William S. Burroughs
Dana Milbank is exactly one day past the halfway point of his self-imposed, month-long detox of all things Sarah Palin. So how exactly is it going?
“The first day was the hardest,” Milbank told The Daily Caller. “I also got nervous last week when I heard there was an impersonator at CPAC, but I got around this by thinking only about Reagan.”
In late January, the Washington Post columnist declared that he would not talk, mention, or inject through any orificial means, anything Palin-related for the entire month of February — which is, incidentally, the shortest month of the year.
Co-opting the language of actual addiction, Milbank attempted to pressure his peers into The User’s much-cherished “buddy system.” Milbank called on other “Palin-holics” — fellow WaPo columnists, along with other expert experts from the New York Times — to join him in an attempt to get clean.
His colleagues, unfortunately, have offered the kind of support one might reasonably expect.
“I didn’t take the pledge because … we’re columnists,” said WaPo’s Eugene Robinson. “There’s a Pavlovian response there that I certainly had no confidence in my ability to withstand. His honor is on the line so we’ll see if he can hold out.”
Robinson said Dana does not appear to be suffering from delirium tremens, one of the sure signs of withdrawals — at least for alcoholics. Another WaPo columnist, Jonathan Capehart, hinted that Milbank may be sneaking a fix without his peers being any the wiser.
“I’ve only seen Dana once since his declaration. He seemed to be doing OK,” Capehart told TheDC. “Most Palin-holics are functioning Palin-holics. Besides, he’s only going to be in Palin rehab about as [long as] Lindsay Lohan stays in rehab.”
In response to Milbank’s cry to “Just-Say-No,” Capehart just said “No, Dana.” Half a month into Milbank’s wagon-ride, Capehart has been as supportive as a friend celebrating your sobriety with a stag party through Bourbon Street.
A young, respected opinion writer, who was on the New York Daily News editorial board that won a Pulitzer Prize, Capehart described himself as a “‘casual’ indulger” who can “quit anytime I want — and I don’t want to.”
Since Feb. 1, Capehart has written one column about the former Alaskan governor and mentioned her just one other time. Despite the confidence in his own self-control, Capehart ended his response to TheDC by revealing something perhaps more disturbing than his infrequent Palin binges: a smiley face.
“:)” said Capehart, who is clearly suffering deep, personal issues of his own.
As for himself, Milbank said he’s taken up more “healthy” addictions like being “inordinately concerned about entitlement spending in the out years.” In an exchange with TheDC, in fact, Milbank mentioned nary an Optimal Keywords (e.g. “Palin,” “Alaska,”or “You Betcha!”). As for the more psychological effects of withdrawal, Milbank has reportedly suffered few symptoms. Unlike his contemporary Andrew Sullivan, Milbank hasn’t seen an (imaginary Palin) baby crawling on the ceiling in his deteriorated state.
Despite using Minnesota Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann as his “methadone,” Milbank has, however, begun shouting incomprehensibly.
“I keep finding myself shouting, to nobody in particular, ‘Erskine is right!,’” he told TheDC.
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