The Daily Caller

The Daily Caller

Stupid or Dead

So we have this big hullabaloo (it’s a word) in Wisconsin involving the teachers’ union and fugitive Democrats. Now, unions are these things from like five hundred years ago when businesses were telling employees, “You’re going to work ninety hours a week for no pay or we’ll set you and your family on fire!” And eventually the workers got fed up with their families being set on fire so they organized together in unions and made sure those businesses had no workers unless their demands were met. This forced businesses to give their employees fair pay and safe working conditions… which made the businesses unprofitable so that they had to shut down and move to other countries. So it was all really good for unemployed children overseas. So that’s what I know about unions. Oh, and they wore blue in the Civil War.

So anyway, while unions have been dying out in the private sector, we have a bunch of public sector unions like the teachers’ unions. Instead of being organized against evil businesses and their harsh demands, they’re organized against you, the taxpayer, and your harsh demands that teachers not get paid so much if they suck. See, a long, long time ago, people had this idea that good teachers should make more money and that bad teachers should make less money or be fired. But the teachers’ unions came along and had this better idea: Why not make it so all teachers get more money so no one has to stress out about being a good teacher? This seemed like a great idea, except to the really good teachers who wanted to distinguish themselves. But the unions had a solution to that: Murder the good teachers. Think back to when you were a kid — remember those few really good teachers you had? Remember what happened to them? Yep, all found dead in a ditch somewhere. Didn’t think much of it at the time, but now it makes sense. If the teachers’ union murders all the good teachers, then people have to make do with the bad and mediocre ones and try to bribe them with more pay and benefits to actually teach our kids something worthwhile.

So teachers’ unions make sure our kids get the least education for the most money, but that’s not all. We also get Democrats out of the deal. Democrats raise taxes to pay teachers more, and then unions take more of that money to help elect more Democrats who will get them more of your money. It’s kind of a racket. That’s why when Wisconsin was going to have a vote on the whole matter, the Democrats did the only logical thing: Run away.

Despite fleeing Democrats, we do have to solve this teachers’ union problem now, as one goal of the teachers’ unions is to make sure the next generation will be too dumb to do anything about them. Currently, there’s nothing a teacher can do to get fired other than rape and murder students. And it has to be both. If you try to get a teacher fired only for murdering students, the teachers’ union will picket your house and call you a fascist.

Of course, my wife and I plan to homeschool our children, so this is all just funny to us. We’re always saying, “Look at the horrible teachers those other families have for their dumb children!” Of course, the teachers’ unions probably don’t like there being an alternative, so they might start murdering homeschoolers just like they did good teachers. They’ll just send out a notice saying something like, “Remember: With homeschooling, your kids may miss necessary socialization skills. Also, accidents just seem to happen to homeschoolers… if you know what I mean.”

I’m not saying that teachers’ unions are murdering anyone who successfully teach children, but I am heavily implying it. Basically, they want there to be only two options for your kids: Stupid or dead. And the stupid option is not going to be cheap. Anyway, I just thought I’d give you a rundown of the issues at hand, in case you’re like me and don’t follow the news much and have trouble understanding it. I hope you learned something… but if you did, please don’t tell a teachers’ union. They’ll set me and my family on fire!

Frank J. blogs at IMAO.us and sometimes write columns. He is also on the Twitters.

  • wygy

    School teaching is the one profession where I could absolutely support outsourcing. Think about it, the students in all other countries are learning better than ours. We have the technology, we have the buildings. Add some big screen Skype thingys and a few non-union hall monitors, our children could be as smart as India’s children. We could save a bundle and get better results.

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  • albo

    No one can explain an issue like Frank J.

    Although I expected some monkeys, killer robots, or stick figure T-rexes to be involved somehow.

  • partymanrandy

    So it’s the union’s fault that every kid ever is just plain stupid? Have you met a kid in kindergarten? The little shits still can’t tie their own shoes or piss in the toilet. Stupid or dead are pretty much the only options. I blame the parents and God.

    *Paid for by the American Federation of Teachers

  • sawdustking

    Congratulations on the epiphany. Now it all makes sense.