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Dear Matt: The Daily Caller just featured an expose of what everyone has always known about Rep. Sheila “you mothereffer” Jackson “you mothereffer” Lee. What advice can you offer on how to deal with difficult bosses? In other words, how often does Tucker Carlson call you a “mothereffer?” Your indulgence is much appreciated. — Sydney D. Mothereffer
I’ll take your questions in order of unsuitability due to mature themes and adult language. Tucker frequently calls me a “mothereffer.” And in retaliation, I call him “Oedipus,” because I’m sophisticated, and once took a class on Greek mythology down at the community college. When launching The Daily Caller, Tucker even tried to name this column “Ask Mothereffer.” But I refused, figuring it would only confuse readers, who’d wonder why Bill Maher was writing for him.
My first piece of advice if you have a difficult boss, is to quit and find a more agreeable boss. If you still work for a horror show like Sheila Jackson Lee after she publicly called you a “mothereffer,” then it’s time for some self-examination. Maybe she has a fair point. In which case I suggest you go to Sheila Jackson Lee’s office — entering cautiously in case she chucks a stapler at your head — to thank her for her honesty.
Many people think it’s a sign of moral inferiority to quit. To which I say they have quit – on finding a better solution. I know that as Americans, we’re supposed to be all about dogged optimism and stick-to-itiveness, and we’re not supposed to be quitters. But sometimes change is necessary. The Farrah-cut once worked for you. But you can’t wear it forever. That was yesterday’s hairstyle. Time to get a new look. Maybe “The Rachel,” which really accentuates your cheekbones. Get with it. These are the ‘90s, man.
In the event that you can’t quit, for whatever frivolous reason you have like paying your mortgage or feeding your children, here are some additional strategies for dealing with an evil boss:
1. Playing Possum – If you have a difficult boss, chances are they bring you difficult tasks, which interfere with more important office priorities such as eating lunch, emailing your friends, and finding unspeakably offensive porn sites. Your actual mission, then, is to convince your boss that you are not the man/woman for the job. So gladly accept these tasks, then prove your incompetence. After enough failures, your boss won’t entrust you with anything more consequential than bringing in cookies for National Cookie Day. Thus allowing you to get back to discovering the joys of goldenshowersbringmayflowers.com.
2. The Snitch – If there’s one thing that cannot stand in today’s workplace, it’s intolerance. Intolerant people are simply not tolerated. So in order to make yourself indispensable to management, find someone who has disparaged a woman, a minority, a physically-challenged person or a person of whiteness (white people in America will be a minority by the year 2042, meaning it’s time to start practicing more tolerance toward them). Once you locate said hater, loudly reprimand them, then report them to HR. Your boss will no longer have time to express displeasure with you, since he/she will be too busy punishing them. Will your co-workers come to resent you for putting their careers in jeopardy? Undoubtedly. But what are they going to do about it? Report you? Too late, you’ve already reported them. Wake up a little earlier if you want to get the drop on The Snitch, co-workers.
3. Respect Is A Right, Not A Privilege – Under no circumstances should you ever tolerate being called a “mothereffer.” It’s the “mother” prefix which I find particularly troubling. It harks back to a dark chapter in our nation’s history, one in which women found it perfectly acceptable to stay home and raise their children. Sure, mothers gave birth to us, and breast fed us until we were four or five (normal, right?) But the very word “mother” is so politically charged nowadays, with connotations of hausfraudom, of bon-bon eating and game-show watching and denim-jumper-wearing. Such pejorative labels are unacceptable in a place of employment. And if you work, and are additionally a mother, then you are what social scientists call “working mothers.” So demand respect from your boss, and insist on being called a “working mothereffer.”