Grover Norquist is a genius. That is why — with the help of some friends and colleagues — I have decided to launch my own candidate pledge to address a serious concern. I have dubbed it, “The Dignity Protection Pledge” (DPP for short).
By persuading the 2012 GOP presidential candidates to solemnly bind themselves to the following commitments, you and I can make a major difference for America (and possibly prevent future GOP nominees from embarrassing themselves). Please encourage the candidates you support to sign this pledge:
The Dignity Protection Pledge
I, __________, pledge to the citizens of The United States of America, that I will:
1. Forswear exercise in public.
2. Never wear headgear of any kind while on the trail.
3. Avoid referring to myself in 3rd person.
4. Not support a sports team just because they are in a swing state.
5. Never eat Pat’s Cheesesteak daintily.
6. Forgo playing “I Gotta Feelin” by Black Eyed Peas.
7. Promise to select Marco Rubio as my running mate.
8. Not affect a fake accent or use regional argots in an attempt to appear folksy. EVER.
9. Not pretend the local mayor or police chief in the town I am visiting is one of their good buddies or someone they will ever talk to again when giving a speech in said town — unless said town is New York City.
10. Not bring up historical references unless I actually understand the historical reference.
11. Promise to never say ‘peace process.’
12. Dispense with the feigned affection for my opponent by calling him/her “my dear friend,” “personally great guy” etc.
13. Avoid random appearances in different garb to try to fit in with locals (i.e., showing up at motorcycle events wearing jeans and leather, or shooting guns to look like you care about that.)
14. Never give another interview to the New York Times or Politico (Kidding, guys.) (Not really.)
15. Sign no more special interest pledges (after this one).
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Signature Date
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Witness Witness
Note: It has been my policy to not support or oppose presidential primary candidates. But I am willing to make an exception. Any serious GOP candidate for president (who appeared in the recent CNN New Hampshire debate), may earn my support and admiration by signing this pledge. There’s literally no telling how far my endorsement might take you.
Thanks in advance for your help with getting them to sign this. With any luck, signing this pledge will soon become de rigueur for all serious future presidential candidates. We really are saving them from themselves…