Ask Matt Labash: 9/11 obsession, and an eco-friendly guide to human sacrificing Ashton Kutcher

Published: 12:14 AM 08/02/2011 | Updated: 5:39 PM 08/02/2011

By Matt Labash

Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way. For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you. This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it. If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?” To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.” To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?” Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now: Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.

So, who do we have to sacrifice to Ra to make the sun less angry at us? I suggest Ashton Kutcher. That guy’s been trying to fool us into thinking he’s a movie star for far too long now. — Gopher Trace

While I don’t support all of Ashton Kutcher’s creative choices, I suspect that a lot of your anti-Kutcherism is jealousy-based, since you’re presumably not having sex with Demi Moore, then tweeting about it, and he is.

Come to think of it, those two are cute enough to burn at the stake. But even if we made an Ashton bonfire using Demi kindling, it wouldn’t call off the sun, which has turned into a hot-headed, vengeful ogress hellbent on scorching everything in its path. Whether Mother Earth is truly angry at us or just having a hot flash, I’ll leave to trained scientists like Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio. But even as I write, I am sweating it out in a half-shirt and Daisy Dukes, meaning that the temperature isn’t the only thing that’s hot in here (come see the goodies on flickr, ladies).

The truth, as stated by an article that I randomly Googled a few seconds ago to make myself sound well-informed, is that the surest way to make the sun angrier would be to offer a human burnt sacrifice. According to msnbc.com, even cremating your average corpse requires 1,800 degrees of heat over two to three hours, releasing 573 pounds of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. And that’s not accounting for harmful vapors released by burning dental fillings or bionic johnsons, the latter of which Kutcher presumably has (how else would a goofball like him keep Miss Moore interested?)

It’d be much more environmentally responsible, when sacrificing Ashton Kutcher, to put him in a resomator — a device that is catching on in the mortician trade. It’s a steel chamber that uses high pressure and chemicals to emulsify a body, while expending only about one-seventh of the energy required for cremation. Sure, it’d be more satisfying to watch him get barbecued during a “Two and a Half Men” episode, right before it was (finally) canceled. But resomation is the way to cleanly and greenly offer up a human sacrifice. The Sun God will be a little less angry. Demi will be freed up to have sex with the rest of us. And there will be no more embarrassing Ashton tweets, such as “I nevr know wht 2 post after paying respect 2 sum1 who died. Just seems lk anything funny is inapprorpriate. mayB I’ll just go C HarryPotter.” This way, the environment wins, and so do we.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” is now available in paperback from Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

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Tags: 9/11, Ashton Kutcher, Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: 9/11 obsession, and an eco-friendly guide to human sacrificing Ashton Kutcher

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