1.) Deal passes, pleases nobody — Which means it’s a good one, right? Hello? TheDC’s Amanda Carey reports: “The House of Representatives passed the Budget Control Act of 2011 on Monday evening. The bill had bipartisan support, drawing 174 Republican and 95 Democratic ‘yes’ votes. The final count was 269–161. Rep. Gabby Giffords of Arizona made a dramatic visit to the floor of the House to cast her vote, entering to thunderous applause. Many of her colleagues visibly teared up as Giffords cast her ‘yes’ vote. After the bill passed, she walked off the floor looking frail, but all smiles, with her husband Mark Kelly and Vice President Joe Biden. When asked by The Daily Caller how he felt about the vote, Biden said ‘Oh, I feel great about the vote!’” (More about how great he felt about it in a minute.) Pretty much everybody else had something to complain about. Some Republicans didn’t like the cuts in defense spending and not nearly enough cuts in everything else. Some Democrats didn’t like the fact that they had to do stuff they didn’t wanna do and listen to stupid stinkyheads they don’t like. And so on. No two people can seem to agree whether this was an acceptable deal, a bad deal, or The Worst Thing to Ever Happen to America. Pretty much everybody has something to complain about, so at least there’s that.
2.) Giffords returns — As noted, Gabby Giffords made a surprise return to Congress last night to vote for the debt deal. TheDC’s Alex Pappas has more: “Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, who survived a gunshot wound to the head during an horrific assassination attempt earlier this year, received a standing ovation in Congress as she surprised members by showing up to vote in favor of raising the federal debt ceiling… It was her first vote in Congress since the Jan. 8 attack that shocked the nation… Giffords, who on Monday wore glasses and whose hair is noticeably much shorter, waved as she was applauded for several minutes. ‘The #Capitol looks beautiful and I am honored to be at work tonight,’ Giffords wrote on Twitter after the vote.” Whatever you think about the way her shooting has been used for political purposes, it’s amazing that she’s even alive, let alone up and around and able to vote in the United States Congress. All the best, Gabby.
3.) Biden = Biden — Yesterday Politico reported that Joseph R. Biden Jr., Vice President of the United States of America, said that Republicans “have acted like terrorists” during the debt-ceiling scuffle. Biden is denying it, telling CBS News, “I did not use the terrorism word.” So now it’s Biden’s word against Politico’s. Tough one! Of course, it’s quite possible that Sheriff Joe has no memory of saying it, or thought he was talking to a pony or perhaps a cloud. There’s just no way of knowing what goes on in that little head of his. Well, now ABC News is reporting: “Sarah Palin is the latest to add her voice to the chorus of politicians and pundits criticizing Vice President Joe Biden for allegedly saying that tea party lawmakers ‘acted like terrorists’ during the debt-ceiling negotiations… ‘I think we’re getting kind of used to being called names — racists, inciters of violence, being accused of things that we have nothing to do with,’ Palin said on Greta Van Susteren’s Fox News show tonight… The former Alaska governor and tea party activist added: ‘To be called a terrorist because of our beliefs from the vice president, it’s quite appalling, it’s quite vile.’” And now, as if by magic, all this will be Palin’s fault somehow. P.S. ABC News reports: “When Biden was asked about what he spoke with Giffords about, he joked, ‘She’s now a member of the cracked head club like me.’” Oh, what a wacky jokester! A heartbeat away from the presidency, folks. He’s like the kid in school who you dared to eat a penny, and he did it so you’d be his friend, but who wants to be friends with somebody who’s dumb enough to eat a penny? P.P.S. Biden probably suspects Gabby Giffords voted for the debt deal due to Stockholm Syndrome, but he’s being discreet about it to avoid offending the Canadians.
4.) #DoesNewtPayForIt? — Newt Gingrich has 1.3 million followers on Twitter. Does that seem weird to you? Then you’ll like this one. TheDC’s C.J. Ciaramella reports: “According to a former aide, GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich pays for his impressive gaggle of Twitter followers — a claim the campaign denies. An anonymous former staffer spilled the beans to Gawker, saying the Gingrich campaign pays outside companies to generate Twitter followers. ‘Newt employs a variety of agencies whose sole purpose is to procure Twitter followers for people who are shallow/insecure/unpopular enough to pay for them,’ the staffer wrote. ‘As you might guess, Newt is most decidedly one of the people to which these agencies cater.’ The former staffer said about 80 percent of Gingrich’s more than 1.3 million Twitter followers are inactive or dummy accounts generated by agencies… Gingrich’s campaign has vigorously denied the allegations. Gingrich spokesman R.C. Hammond responded, fittingly, with a tweet: ‘@Gawker Gaffes. Hoodwinks readers. Insults 1.3 million .@newtgingrich .@twitter followers. Report is #rude #unfounded & #erroneous.’” #OkeyDokey. Wow, this shocking scandal will really hurt the Gingrich campaign. For president. Which he’s running. Did you hear about that? Yep.
5.) Labash vs. Kutcher — Matt Labash is back, and you know what that means: it’s time to delouse the furniture. Er, that is, it’s time to listen to what he has to say about the most important questions of the day! In the latest edition of Ask Matt Labash, he fields a question about making a human sacrifice of Ashton Kutcher to appease the sun god Ra, because these are the sorts of questions he gets: “While I don’t support all of Ashton Kutcher’s creative choices, I suspect that a lot of your anti-Kutcherism is jealousy-based, since you’re presumably not having sex with Demi Moore, then tweeting about it, and he is. Come to think of it, those two are cute enough to burn at the stake. But even if we made an Ashton bonfire using Demi kindling, it wouldn’t call off the sun, which has turned into a hot-headed, vengeful ogress hellbent on scorching everything in its path. Whether Mother Earth is truly angry at us or just having a hot flash, I’ll leave to trained scientists like Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio. But even as I write, I am sweating it out in a half-shirt and Daisy Dukes, meaning that the temperature isn’t the only thing that’s hot in here (come see the goodies on flickr, ladies).” Or gentlemen. Don’t be shy, guys. Anyway, Labash says sacrificing Kutcher would only anger Ra further. Unless it’s done right.
6.) Today’s words of wisdom from Adam Baldwin’s Twitter feed — “Shorter Dems: ‘Socialism Security checks are OUR weapon. You “Dark Side” Republicans shalt not usurp it!’ ~ #satansandwich”
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