Tucker Carlson drenched by ungrateful ‘journalists’

Scoops Delacroix | Freelance Writer

The Daily Caller may be making waves in the new media landscape, but last Thursday night it was Editor-in-Chief Tucker Carlson’s turn to make a splash.

During the media mega-conglomerate’s pool party at Publisher Neil Patel’s palatial mansion, Carlson was surrounded by several long-suffering staff members and escorted from his berth near the dinner table to an undisclosed location in the middle of the pool.

“He squirmed and shook like a noodled catfish,” said Daily Caller intern Thomas Bell, who asked not to be identified.

The Telemundo star and frequent Fox News stunt double, however, was not an easy target. After fighting off the first wave of attacks, Carlson put some distance between himself and a watery demise. But despite his boyish, svelte appearance, Carlson’s mass proved to have a contentious relationship with gravity.

Tucker went into the drink just as he finished an illegal Cuban cigar, according to Patel, who was standing beside Carlson when the incident occurred.

“Initially it looked like Tucker was winning as the scrum was moving away from the pool, but then they managed to lift Tucker off the ground,” said Patel. “Once he was airborne it was ‘game over’ and within seconds Tucker was drenched. He was a pretty good sport about it.”

Although it took nearly five minutes to hog-wrestle him into the pool, the unflappable Carlson maintained his regular sunny disposition.

“No! Fudge you. Fudge you, you fudging little jazz soul,” he screamed.

In the melee, Carlson did manage to pull the two strapping and handsome employees in with him, throwing half-cocked right hooks the whole way down. Moments later, he slowly emerged from the pool like a breaching humpback whale.

As most of the party-goers returned to their drinks and gambling, Carlson was reportedly overheard leaving a frantic message for Murray’s Toggery Shop, inquiring about a replacement pair of Nantucket Reds.

The annual end-of-internship pool party also included a staff-versus-intern pie eating contest. Intern Billy Crosby beat Business Person Brian Danza by several slices to win a $50 cash prize, making him the second-highest paid employee at the company.

Other activities included three-person tandem bicycle riding, BBQ, and the ever-present Daily Caller keg.

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