Ask Matt Labash
Republican presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney greets employees at Meridian Bioscience, in Cincinnati, Ohio, Monday, Feb. 20, 2012. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert) Republican presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney greets employees at Meridian Bioscience, in Cincinnati, Ohio, Monday, Feb. 20, 2012. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)  

Ask Matt Labash: How to buy Mitt Romney nose plugs, and the Stephen Stills philosophy of fly fishing

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

Editor’s Note: Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here

Matt, is there a specific brand of nose plugs I should use when I vote for Mitt Romney, assuming I need both hands free? — Monica McLaughlin

You’ll forgive my heedlessness, but I don’t actually see why you need both hands free in order to vote. It’s completely manageable to vote one-handed while your other hand is occupied, as most 2008 Obama voters can attest. Incidentally, remember to always bring antibacterial sanitizing wipes to the voting booth, since who knows what transpires behind the curtain between a man and his “conscience.”

But yes, regarding your Romney problem and mine (as I very well might succumb to the hold-your-nose option as well), I’d go with Morning Sickness Soothers Aromatherapy Nasal Clips for Nausea Relief, available at babyhopes.com. Perhaps you’re too lazy to click through the hyperlink. Though I hope you’re not, because I’m trying to attract them as a sponsor in the hopes that they’ll send me desirable swag like Pro-Gest Progesterone Cream (not that I need to balance my estrogen, it just makes my skin supple.) But if you do click through, you’ll learn that Morning Sickness Soothers are “refreshing, rejuvenating, and energizing” — or everything that the Republican primary field is not.

Why buy Morning Sickness Soothers, which are for women who are pregnant with children, as opposed to voters who are merely pregnant with disappointment? Well, for one thing, they’re easy to apply. Just slip the soft, flexible plug containing essential oils up your nose and onto your nasal septum, and you’re done. For another, the scented clips provide a gentle infusion of natural mint or citrus aromas that serve to ease nausea, undesirable odors, and sensitivity to smells — like the smell of mediocrity and inevitable failure. Also, unlike Romney, Morning Sickness Soothers are all natural and do not cause drowsiness.

For what it’s worth while you’re on the site, if you’re a Rick Santorum voter, you might also want to pick up MaleFactor Pak Semen Collection Condoms. They’re not as redundant as the name implies. Yes, I know that being a devout Catholic, Santorum is against artificial contraception and is for bringing as many babies into this world as possible, and not — as Protestant smartasses would suggest — just so that the Vatican can expand its clergy’s dating pool. These condoms aren’t actually for preventing births, they’re for promoting them. If your salmon don’t seem to be swimming all the way upstream and you’re unable to procreate at a desirable Santorum-like clip, simply do your business, wrap the condom up with the included convenient twister-ties, and ship the sample off to the lab for analysis so a medical professional can ascertain why your gun is unloaded, to stack infertility metaphors. You can either “facilitate” the sperm deposit Santorum-style (two loving partners experiencing intimacy within the sanctity of marriage). Or you can collect it Newt Gingrich-style (with whatever partner you happen to be married to at the time, or after a vigorous bout of self-love).

Also, Republican women might want to avail themselves of babyhopes.com’s ovulation calendar with an eye toward breeding our next generation of leaders, who will hopefully be a little more inspiring than the current crop of aspirants.