Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: How to buy Mitt Romney nose plugs, and the Stephen Stills philosophy of fly fishing

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Matt, is there a specific brand of nose plugs I should use when I vote for Mitt Romney, assuming I need both hands free? — Monica McLaughlin

You’ll forgive my heedlessness, but I don’t actually see why you need both hands free in order to vote. It’s completely manageable to vote one-handed while your other hand is occupied, as most 2008 Obama voters can attest. Incidentally, remember to always bring antibacterial sanitizing wipes to the voting booth, since who knows what transpires behind the curtain between a man and his “conscience.”

But yes, regarding your Romney problem and mine (as I very well might succumb to the hold-your-nose option as well), I’d go with Morning Sickness Soothers Aromatherapy Nasal Clips for Nausea Relief, available at Perhaps you’re too lazy to click through the hyperlink. Though I hope you’re not, because I’m trying to attract them as a sponsor in the hopes that they’ll send me desirable swag like Pro-Gest Progesterone Cream (not that I need to balance my estrogen, it just makes my skin supple.) But if you do click through, you’ll learn that Morning Sickness Soothers are “refreshing, rejuvenating, and energizing” — or everything that the Republican primary field is not.

Why buy Morning Sickness Soothers, which are for women who are pregnant with children, as opposed to voters who are merely pregnant with disappointment? Well, for one thing, they’re easy to apply. Just slip the soft, flexible plug containing essential oils up your nose and onto your nasal septum, and you’re done. For another, the scented clips provide a gentle infusion of natural mint or citrus aromas that serve to ease nausea, undesirable odors, and sensitivity to smells — like the smell of mediocrity and inevitable failure. Also, unlike Romney, Morning Sickness Soothers are all natural and do not cause drowsiness.

For what it’s worth while you’re on the site, if you’re a Rick Santorum voter, you might also want to pick up MaleFactor Pak Semen Collection Condoms. They’re not as redundant as the name implies. Yes, I know that being a devout Catholic, Santorum is against artificial contraception and is for bringing as many babies into this world as possible, and not — as Protestant smartasses would suggest — just so that the Vatican can expand its clergy’s dating pool. These condoms aren’t actually for preventing births, they’re for promoting them. If your salmon don’t seem to be swimming all the way upstream and you’re unable to procreate at a desirable Santorum-like clip, simply do your business, wrap the condom up with the included convenient twister-ties, and ship the sample off to the lab for analysis so a medical professional can ascertain why your gun is unloaded, to stack infertility metaphors. You can either “facilitate” the sperm deposit Santorum-style (two loving partners experiencing intimacy within the sanctity of marriage). Or you can collect it Newt Gingrich-style (with whatever partner you happen to be married to at the time, or after a vigorous bout of self-love).

Also, Republican women might want to avail themselves of’s ovulation calendar with an eye toward breeding our next generation of leaders, who will hopefully be a little more inspiring than the current crop of aspirants.