FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Al Gore
DATE: December 12, 2011
Promote my show? Really, Al? Here’s a compromise. I’ll do it when you get me my f’ing golden scepter. Six months in and sill no f’ing scepter. What is this, Somalia TV?
Keith Theodore Olbermann
Cornell University, Class of 1979
p.s. “Car service” number 5 not cutting it. I don’t think it is too much to expect a sedan — and not a two-seater bicycle — to pick me up.
TO: Keith Olbermann
FROM: Al Gore
DATE: December 15, 2011
Hello Keith,
My dreams have begun to trouble me. Our language has not yet caught up with the artist. There is a moon we have visited but do not understand, and in our unwillingness to see clearly, we have tried to turn it into something menacing.
Put it this way: is it a man with a hat, or a hat with a man? If man were to evolve the capacity to grow hats, would we still call them hats? How would we view them? As equals? I hope so.
Are you able to understand what I’m telling you?
Mahalo,
A.G.
FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Al Gore
DATE: March 20th, 2012
Albert,
Let me put my cards on the table. I’m not happy about the car service fiascos. I’m not happy that my studio doesn’t have electricity. I’m not happy with the a young Turkish fellow you have on before me. I’m not happy that you expect me to show up to work regularly and sober. I particularly loathe the daily showering rule you have mandated. And as you and the entire staff are abundantly aware by now, I’m especially unhappy about the golden scepter imbroglio.
But I must say that each and every time I reach out to you, you invariably write back with extremely lucid and helpful advice.
So it is in that spirit I come to you on my last leg, a leg that is not young, strong and fresh, but one that is wooden and rotting. I need four things from you immediately, Al, if I am to remain at Current to continue to fight against the one percenters and the corporate oligarchs that threaten this nation, and indeed this very world:
1) 345 days of vacation a year.
2) The public impaling of Joel Hyatt.
3) My f’ing golden scepter.
4) A ruby encrusted toilet seat in my private bathroom.
Yours in Truth,
Keith Theodore Olbermann
Cornell University, Class of 1979
FROM: Al Gore
TO: Keith Olbermann
DATE: March 22nd, 2012
Keith,
When we first shook hands I saw a moon dance. I saw a great river pounding the volcanos of Hawai’i. There are wires all around us that I thought you saw, theories and modes of being far removed from suburban connotations of ease and malfeasance.
It’s become clear over the last few months that you don’t understand the mission of Current. I don’t know if this is because you can’t understand Thomas Kuhn’s theories of scientific revolution, or Cartesian modes of thought, or the life-cycle of Thetans.
It’s not that the dew reflects a perfect world. You can understand that, can’t you? We all are one through technology, but I feel that revolution has left you cold somehow, your unwillingness to accept me as antediluvian. There is a shame to passion.
Mahalo,
A.G.
p.s. any chance you have Elliot Spitzer’s number?
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