Memorial Day is coming. And unlike that Commie Labor Day garbage, Memorial Day is dedicated to remembering the sacrifices of our fighting men and women.
What does that mean? It means don’t get shitfaced on Sunday night so you can head down to the cemetery Monday morning. Although the morning is the time for the great American traditions of dog-walking, yard work and bacon, Memorial Day afternoon is time for a different kind of patriotism: enjoying the good fruits of America, namely amber waves of grain (in the form of cheap, delicious beer) and man’s God-given dominance over savory animals.
To help America celebrate this great holiday, the folks at The Daily Caller have tackled the forbidden question: Which red, white and blue-decked canned beer goes best with which Memorial Day food. It is a thankless job, drinking tall boys in the office, but so is the duty of the butcher, fishermen, welder, farmer, canner and cow that make this day so enjoyable. In the meantime, light the grill, lift a can to our brave men and women, and get ready for the most intellectually stimulating beer review in U.S. history: Coors Light, Bud Heavy and PBR.
PBR, Budweiser and Coors Light. Photo by Grae Stafford.
Pabst Brewing Company’s Pabst Blue Ribbon
“Heineken? Fuck that shit! PABST! BLUE! RIBBON!
-Dennis Hopper, “Blue Velvet”
“You kids still drink that crap?”
-Papa, Christmas dinner
“We were in serious trouble until it caught on with the messenger fags.”
-Anonymous PBR spokesman, London
First on the agenda today is that old American favorite Pabst Blue Ribbon. As the above quotes illustrate, it’s a beer with history. Seriously. This bad boy of industrial American lagers still advertises its blue ribbon award as “America’s Best” from 1893 — an award it won after being in business for nearly half a century. But don’t scoff! Because not only is this union beer delicious, it proudly flies our American colors.
Brewed in Milwaukee with “Nature’s choicest products,” PBR — as it is called on the street — kicks off with a thick white head over a light gold, rapidly bubbling body.
Now, most people don’t smell their PBR. After all, Pabst is for drinking. But pour it out and try a sniff — it carries a strong sour dough nose; grainy, with a lemon touch. That is, when we poured it out. Otherwise it just kind of smells like sour dough and tin.
Vintage PBR advertisement.
On the palate, PBR has a slight burn we chalk up to bitterness, carbonation and, honestly, alcohol. Unlike some mainstream American lagers, Pabst Blue Ribbon is assertive, and you can smell it. And what’s hysterical is their ABV varies from website to website, but to avoid any confounding confusings, we’re going to toe the old 4.74 percent line and hope it’s more. Either way, you can actually taste the alcohol in this beer. And that is refreshing.
Winding down with some of that sour dough and lemon we detected on the nose, this savage brew is more in the tradition of German pilsners than many of its peers.
Because of its strong and assertive taste, TheDC pairs our PBRs with spicy buffalo wings and bleu cheese. It holds its own against those strong flavors while cooling your palate after each sip. A perfect beer for a hot Memorial Day afternoon.
Coors Brewing Company’s Coors Light
Oh yes, we know it. And how could we not know, “The coldest tasting beer in the world”; “The silver bullet;” “La balla de plata”; the cold refreshing taste of conservatism.
Wait, what? Yes. Not only did Joseph Coors take on radicals — enduring strikes, death threats and a terrorist bombing — and win, he is one of the three 1973 founders of The Heritage Foundation. And on this great American day, what better way to celebrate than with a red and white can from a conservative brewer that — as a leader in canned-beer gimmicks — turns blue when it’s “COLD”? Well, only one that turns purple when it’s “SUPER COLD.” As in purple mountain majesty.
Oh. And Coors invented the beer can — a victory for America and the world.
But don’t dismiss this everyman beer offhand because it is on every single store rack in this great nation! It has a lot to offer. Especially when we saw it after two straight months of living under the royal tyranny of cheap beers sold in England. Yeah — after a couple weeks of Carling and Carlsberg, the super market tower of Coors Light racks looked like a pillar of freedom.
And not only a pillar of freedom in far off countries, Coors was the only beer Paul Newman would let anyone photograph him with, saying it is “the best American beer, bar none.” That’s right — the same patriot who once sparked a day-long drinking game with one famous utterance: “24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence? I think not.” (True story? Who cares.)
But now to the heart of the matter: the beer. TheDC had never really considered much about Coors Light beyond what we drink it with (some more on that later), so like the other red, white and blue beers this Friday, we enjoyed sitting down for a long chat with this old friend.
Like its PBR brother, Coors has a white head, but unlike PBR, it has a fizzier head that fades quickly into a golden color slightly lighter than that of the Pabst Blue Ribbon.
On the nose we detected that similar sour dough smell, but it is more acidic and minerally, like a frat house or a World War II tank museum. Honestly, it is not the most pleasant nose for long, deep breaths on the beach, even when the “SUPER COLD” purple mountains are activated (there is strictly no other way to drink any of these beers). But, as with Pabst and, later, Budweiser, we weren’t here for the nose.
Coors Light and crabs neon sign.
On the tongue, this beer is doughy, with a more pronounced sourness and a softer carbonation than PBR. Also, the alcohol does not shine through — it lacks the booze burn of PBR. But refreshing it is, and at 4.2 percent ABV, it is the perfect light beer for a man who intends to fill his stomach with the important things in life while getting slowly drunk. That is why Coors Light is the official Daily Caller beer for feasting on blue crabs. When you want to have a couple of cold ones while celebrating Memorial Day afternoon with a hearty Maryland seafood feast, look no further.
Also, of all the beers we’ve had, the only company whose bottling gimmicks come even close to topping the festivity of the color-changing Rocky Mountains, the “Vented wide mouth” or the “Frost brew liner” is our next beer: the Ameri-Can.
Anheuser-Busch’s Budweiser
And at last, here we are: “The Genuine Article,” “Where there’s life,” what we say when “you’ve said it all,” “The King of Beers.” Or, as we all know it, Budweiser.
It’s tough to rock a baseball game, an Independence Day party or a Memorial Day afternoon these days without the flag-draped Ameri-Can, and we would not be caught without one.
According to the Interwebs, the name itself implies that the product we are keg-standing comes from the Southern Bohemia, Czech Republic city of České Budějovice, where they began brewing in the 1200s. And though this distinction is claimed by three companies, we Americans know the town best for our classic American lager, which dates back to 1876. Heck, it’s so historic this Missouri company’s famous mascot — the Budweiser Clydesdales — were an important celebration of the end of Prohibition, even delivering a case of beer to that New Deal Pinko in the White House.
Budweiser burger neon sign – photo by Jeremy Brooks
And today, that brew is just as integral a part of American life. This classic beer delivers a thick, white, creamy head that sits atop a significantly less bubbly body than its two red, white and blue compatriots, though the color is indistinguishable from that of Coors Light.
In what seems like a trend, this rice-made lager has a sour dough nose with a good old American metallic note and, unlike the others, a noticeable lack of the lemon citrus smell.
On the palate, its taste is in between the burn of the previous two beers, and is slightly sweeter. Its flavor is less pitched than the Coors, more delicate than the Pabst, and holding its own in the grain. Mellow, with a minerally aftertaste, is has the greatest feel of the three.
At 5 percent ABV, it also sits in the middle and goes splendidly with the all-American cookout favorite. No, not maize, jerk — the cheeseburger. Put this down with a hunk of ground-up cattle and a slice of whatever cheese you choose. And if you’re feeling particularly patriotic (we know you are), why not throw some good old barbecue sauce on top?
Either way, enjoy your Memorial Day. And God bless America, and the troops who defend her.
Yo. One more thing. From now on, check out Rough Draught for all your latest beer-related stuff that we didn’t drink.
Victory Brewing Company launched their Summer Love Sweepstakes, where they’re raffling off Frisbees and other dope beach shit.
On May 25, Weyerbacher Brewing Company is releasing its Last Chance IPA.
On May 29, Heavy Seas Beer and Devils Backbone Brewing Company are releasing their collaboration beer, Land Ho Black Pilsner.
On the weekend of June 2 and 3, prepare to travel to Boston because the gang at Beer Advocate will be hosting the American Craft Beer Festival. And oh yes — it’s all you can drink.