Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: Getting distracted, dismissing Obama talk, and rolling down your sleeves

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Dear Matt, you haven’t written a column since April. What the hell have you been doing? — Jonathan M.

Oh, you know. A little of this, and a little of that. Kicking ass. Taking names. Handing those names over to Homeland Security, as a patriot/hero in the War on Terror. Taking personal inventory. Realizing I was overstocked on ennui, while clean out of ambition. Looking at the man in the mirror. Wondering why he had a beard. Realizing that I had an intruder. Calling the authorities. Raising dyslexia awareness. Or “raising awareness dyslexia,” as we in the dyslexic community say. Volunteering at church. Organizing food drives. Eating the canned peaches from said drives. Because feeding myself helps take the obsessive focus off of other people, and helps get it back on me, where it belongs. Doing Glass Tiger lip dubs, uploading them to YouTube, getting no views. Burying my houseboy Tristan in a shallow, unmarked grave in the backyard. Running through the sprinkler in my Spanx, because I enjoy the extra support when wet. Weed-eating. Writing, producing, and starring in my own one-woman show, even though I’m a man, because breaking gender barriers is what I do, as anyone who has ever seen me sit down on a urinal in the men’s room can attest. Reading the New York Review of Books. Digging Tristan back up as I hear his muffled screams, since he wasn’t actually dead, he was just resting his eyes. Offering Tristan some canned peaches, to atone for the mix-up. Hosting a Zumba Fitness Party. Learning how to live again, laugh again, and love again. Licking and re-licking the back of PETA’s new Natalie Portman stamp, since it’s as close as I’ll ever get. Working the lemonade concession at my underground fight club. Writing Shep Smith sayings down in my wisdom journal with a quill and animal blood. Finishing up my koala at the local Build-A-Bear — even if the koala is technically not a bear but a marsupial — though the Build-a-Bear attendants don’t have the balls to stop me. Hitting Red Lobster for the Shrimp Lovers Feast. Waiting for death or inspiration, whichever strikes first.

So I’ve been keeping pretty busy. But I’m back now. At least until I once again grow easily distracted. Wait, is that a pretty butterfly?…………