Summer started yesterday, and we’re already having second thoughts about leaving spring. It’s like 95 damn degrees out there, and since we spent all of our money on booze, we can’t afford a cocksucker seersucker suit and now we’re sweating. But whatever. We still have our dashing good looks, a cadre of beautiful models and now, when we do sweat all over the place (which is inevitable no matter what we wear), it smells like a brewery. Sweet, sweet brewery.
Now, before anyone gets any ideas about how awful it might be to sit next to us on a long plane ride, we thought ahead: Why have whiskey and stale beer flowing forth from our pores when we could have sweet, fresh apple and hints of spice?
So, both to celebrate and survive this first weekend of summer, The Daily Caller presents the season’s hard cider house rules:
Rule No. 1: Drink cider. Anytime, anywhere, all the time.
Rule No. 2: If ever any doubt, see Rule No. 1.
Now let’s get it started in here.
Angry Orchard Hard Cider’s Crisp Apple
Picture this: Waking up on a Saturday morning, feeling awful. Passed out on top of the sheets, light still beaming. Definitely forgot to turn the AC on. Cell phone and wallet? Check. Any awful text messages? Ah, save that for later. The point is, if there’s a shower and a change of clothes to be had, Saturday is still on. But wait! When this hangover catches on, Saturday may be done for. And the hangover is inevitable — if you stop drinking.
Introducing: Angry Orchard Hard Cider’s Crisp Apple. The casual boozer’s breakfast booze.
Booze for breakfast? Should we re-evaluate our lives? Listen, padre — this ain’t no pint of rye on ice — it’s frickin’ apple juice. So before anyone goes all do-you-have-any-idea-what-you’re-doing on us, rest assured we know exactly what we’re doing: Drinking all day. And you can’t drink all day unless you start in the morning.
With a golden color and gentle carbonation, the Crisp Apple has an apple juice nose with a hint of cinnamon.
At first taste, it’s as refreshing as biting into a crisp, sweet, juicy apple. And though it’s sweet, it has a nice, dry finish.
One of TheDC’s resident experts hit the nail on the head: It’s sweet, so mix it with something spicy, something creamy.
Don’t get us wrong — we would absolutely crush Crisp Apple with a British pub-style breakfast of eggs (sunny side up), bacon, sausage, English Heinz baked beans, potato cakes, fried tomatoes and blood pudding. But when we wake up in the afternoon and don’t want to spoil our appetite, or we wake up in our tux, friends can catch us cracking a few of these on the patio with brie and a jalapeno jam on a light water cracker. No shame.
Oh, and it’s 5 percent ABV, but besides the lack of a hangover, we didn’t notice.