The Daily Caller

The Daily Caller

Lawsuits claim Kim Kardashian is al-Qaida operative, made sex tape with unicorn

According to two separate lawsuits filed against Kim Kardashian in West Virginia this week, the reality star is an al-Qaida operative and is also into some really weird sex stuff involving unicorns, WTRF.com reports.

Jonathan Kimberly of Philadelphia filed a suit against Kardashian for the time that she, along with ex-husband Kris Humphries and his current girlfriend Myla Sinanaj, filled a hotel room with a sheep, two goats and a unicorn, then held him at gunpoint and forced him to watch them have sex.

Kimberly alleges in the suit, “I defacated on my self, barnyard animals snipped at my feet, Chris [sic] is laughing at me like the Jolly Green Giant, then a knock on the door, Kim Kardashian opened and it was Charlie Sheen, who had a bag full of ecstasy and set ‘lets get this party started.’”

Kimberly just wants to get along with his life, and is seeking a restraining order against Kim and Kris Humphries, according to the suit.

The second plaintiff, Gino Romano, claims that he stumbled upon an al-Qaida training camp in West Virginia where he found Kim, her mother Kris, stepfather Bruce Jenner, sisters Khloe and Kourtney and current boyfriend Kanye West. The plaintiff is especially angry that he saw them all burn American flags as Kanye rapped for all of the trainees. No word on whether he played any tracks from his upcoming album, G.O.O.D.

Romano claims that all of Kim’s earnings are going toward al-Qaida, and that Khloe is planning on beheading him. He is also understandably upset that Kim launched a rocket toward his head, and that Bruce Jenner threw a grenade at him.

According to Romano’s suit, “They all drank Jim Jones juice and then the defendants got shovels and were digging coal and fracking at mines in West Virginia to get fuel to make weapons of mass destruction and Kris Jenner was enriching uranium.”

In unrelated news, more than one meth lab is busted in West Virginia per day, and 229 meth labs were busted in 2011 alone.

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