CNN has ratings problems.
Solidly in 3rd place behind Fox News and MSNBC, CNN’s ratings hit a 21-year ratings low in the 2nd quarter.
The perception is that CNN is trying to place itself at the ideological center, in contrast to what some see has the left-wing tilt of MSNBC and the right-wing tilt of Fox News. But so far this strategy hasn’t worked — at least from a ratings perspective.
As a benevolent and generous news organization, The Daily Caller is always there to help a friend in need. Below are seven shows that would help bring CNN back to the titan it once was. Come friend, take our hand:
7) “Train Wreck w/ Rick Sanchez” — He’s paid enough for his crime, it’s time to bring back Rick — but not for a political show. The most entertaining part of Sanchez’s last show wasn’t his pontificating — everyone agrees that was unbearable — but when he pulled stunts like having himself tazed. We need more of that.
6) “Squirt Guns w/ Lawrence O’Donnell” — First, CNN would have to steal O’Donnell from MSNBC, which shouldn’t be too hard since he gets nearly as bad ratings as shows currently on CNN. But then why would CNN want him? Because this show would be different: It would be before a live studio audience armed with squirt guns. Every time O’Donnell got sanctimonious — which would be often, if history is any guide — the crowd would hose him down. As an added flair, CNN would not check exactly what liquid the audience loaded in their squirt guns.
5) “Duel w/ Zell Miller” — Fairly self-explanatory. The former Georgian senator would challenge his guests to a duel. If accepted, the guests would be able to choose which style duel they prefer: Burr-Hamilton style or Medieval Times style.
4) “Shitburgers w/ Joe Williams” — Joe Williams is (was?) Politico’s White House correspondent who was recently suspended for saying Mitt Romney is only comfortable around “white folks.” He also once seemingly accused his own publication of racism in a tweet, writing “what’s most irritating is the overlay of blatant racism. that’s the secret sauce in the Politico shitburger.” While it is only natural to think that Williams would host a political show given his profession, this would actually be a cooking show.
3) “Insane Asylum w/ Chris Matthews” — It’s unclear why the MSNBC host even has guests on his show. CNN should lure him away from MSNBC, relocate him to a rubber room in an insane asylum and let the cameras roll. Alternative title: “No Hard Balls.” It’s a play off his current show name “Hardball,” but also alludes to one of the many items that would be prohibited from Matthews’ rubber room. Can you say ratings gold?
2) “Crossfire 2.0 w/ James Carville and a Guy on Bath Salts” — This has at least two major hooks. One, viewers would first have to figure out which host is on bath salts every episode. Of course, it will always be the host named “guy on bath salts” — not Carville — but this would never be immediately obvious. And two, nothing spells excitement more than watching the guy on bath salts eat — or at least attempt to eat — the face of each guest.
1) “The Situation Room w/ Gary Busey” — No explanation necessary.