Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: The Daily Caller interns strike back

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

Editor’s Note: Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it to

A note from Matt Labash:  Due to nagging technical difficulties which are currently being addressed, the “Ask Matt” question prompt has not worked correctly in many weeks. Therefore if you’ve sent a question since late June, it probably didn’t arrive. For the immediate future, resend questions and send all new questions to along with your name and/or pseudonym of choice. Meanwhile, we dedicate this column solely to the questions of Daily Caller interns, who will likely use the valuable on-the-job experience of being published in America’s second or third most popular faux-advice column to remain unemployed, along with the rest of their afflicted, recession-addled graduating class. (Good luck, seniors!)

Matt, Can you Dougie better than Michelle Obama? What is your signature dance move? — Eshe

If I even dreamt of doing the Dougie, I’d wake up in a cold sweat, profusely apologizing to African-Americans everywhere. My signature dance move — my only dance move — is stillness. Only when we are static can we truly internalize the movement around us.

Why does everyone try to blame “the Joker” on guns and movies? And, if it comes down to his personal responsibility, does he deserve the death sentence? — Matt

I say we give him a life sentence of watching the Kathie Lee & Hoda hour of the Today Show. He’ll off himself after about ten minutes, thus saving taxpayers the cost of the last meal and potassium chloride drip.

As for blaming movies for senseless mass murder, I’m against it. Unless it’s Batman. Or any other superhero franchise. They’re boring, and there have been way too many of them over the last two decades. It’s time for adults to start watching movies that are made for adults again, and for Hollywood to start making them. If you’re a grown man, as I am, your imagination should be fired by something other than dudes in tights and capes and codpieces. I don’t care what kind of dramatic shading you insist they have. So do Russian novels. Time to take your Shazam! Underoos off, and to read something at your own grade level.

Is Octomom’s use of porn and stripping to get herself off welfare the new American Dream? — Ryan

Are you being sarcastic? In the future, please state so outright in the question, as sarcasm is lost on me. But I will reward your disingenuousness with an earnest answer. Yes, it is. This is precisely why our founders, through divine providence and infinite wisdom, shook the shackles of Mother England, fought and died for equality for everybody (except for the slaves), and passed out smallpox blankets to the Indians to snatch their land and to turn unspoiled beauty into strip malls and tanning salons: so that ho-bags like Octomom could get in-vitro fertilization to conceive eight children she can’t afford, when she already had six children she couldn’t afford. Her endeavors do add new dimensions to the term “welfare-to-work.” But I think she’s going about it all wrong. Through my magic Google machine, I’ve seen the fruit of her labor, and I, for one, would pay her not to take her clothes off in public.