Ask Matt Labash: The Daily Caller interns strike back

Matt Labash | Columnist

Editor’s Note: Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it to askmatt@dailycaller.com

A note from Matt Labash:  Due to nagging technical difficulties which are currently being addressed, the “Ask Matt” question prompt has not worked correctly in many weeks. Therefore if you’ve sent a question since late June, it probably didn’t arrive. For the immediate future, resend questions and send all new questions to askmatt@dailycaller.com along with your name and/or pseudonym of choice. Meanwhile, we dedicate this column solely to the questions of Daily Caller interns, who will likely use the valuable on-the-job experience of being published in America’s second or third most popular faux-advice column to remain unemployed, along with the rest of their afflicted, recession-addled graduating class. (Good luck, seniors!)

Matt, Can you Dougie better than Michelle Obama? What is your signature dance move? — Eshe

If I even dreamt of doing the Dougie, I’d wake up in a cold sweat, profusely apologizing to African-Americans everywhere. My signature dance move — my only dance move — is stillness. Only when we are static can we truly internalize the movement around us.

Why does everyone try to blame “the Joker” on guns and movies? And, if it comes down to his personal responsibility, does he deserve the death sentence? — Matt

I say we give him a life sentence of watching the Kathie Lee & Hoda hour of the Today Show. He’ll off himself after about ten minutes, thus saving taxpayers the cost of the last meal and potassium chloride drip.

As for blaming movies for senseless mass murder, I’m against it. Unless it’s Batman. Or any other superhero franchise. They’re boring, and there have been way too many of them over the last two decades. It’s time for adults to start watching movies that are made for adults again, and for Hollywood to start making them. If you’re a grown man, as I am, your imagination should be fired by something other than dudes in tights and capes and codpieces. I don’t care what kind of dramatic shading you insist they have. So do Russian novels. Time to take your Shazam! Underoos off, and to read something at your own grade level.

Is Octomom’s use of porn and stripping to get herself off welfare the new American Dream? — Ryan

Are you being sarcastic? In the future, please state so outright in the question, as sarcasm is lost on me. But I will reward your disingenuousness with an earnest answer. Yes, it is. This is precisely why our founders, through divine providence and infinite wisdom, shook the shackles of Mother England, fought and died for equality for everybody (except for the slaves), and passed out smallpox blankets to the Indians to snatch their land and to turn unspoiled beauty into strip malls and tanning salons: so that ho-bags like Octomom could get in-vitro fertilization to conceive eight children she can’t afford, when she already had six children she couldn’t afford. Her endeavors do add new dimensions to the term “welfare-to-work.” But I think she’s going about it all wrong. Through my magic Google machine, I’ve seen the fruit of her labor, and I, for one, would pay her not to take her clothes off in public.

Do you have any predictions for the Olympics? — Hillary

Regular or Special? I think Mary Lou Retton and Mitch Gaylord will clean up in gymnastics, and Carl Lewis, of course, will pave the streets with gold in track and field. Though I haven’t followed the Olympics closely since 1984. In the Special Olympics, I plan on romping in the 100 meter hurdles. It’s a little touch-and-go whether I qualify, though I think the Special Olympics Committee will let me in if they ever see me dance the Dougie.

What are the best strip clubs in DC? — Stephen

The Nordstrom dressing room at Pentagon City Mall is pretty good. It has a heavy cover charge, but I know the guy there who runs the one-way mirror. Ask for Mitch, and tell him I sent you.

Who would win in a fight between Tucker Carlson and Sandra Fluke? — Phillip

Tucker boxed in high school, and used to work at MSNBC, so he knows how to throw a punch and is accustomed to acts of gratuitous violence and treachery. But Fluke has a lethal figure-four-leglock, and is a notorious head-butter. So my money’s on Fluke to drop him like a buttered hot plate.

Matt, thoughts on Gary Johnson calling airport full-body scanners “rapist scans?” Agree or disagree? — Geoff

While dictionaries list multiple definitions for rape, including “the wanton destruction or spoiling of a place,” the last time I used the word in a non-traditional context (when referring to red-light and speed-camera tickets), I was pilloried for three days by Media Matters and other language-police meters maids. So based on personal unpleasant experience, I’d strongly suggest Gary Johnson call full-body scanners “non-consensual sex scans.” Just to be on the safe side.

What country should college grads emigrate to if Obama is reelected? — Meagan

Emigrate? Why would they want to do that? It’d be a huge mistake for them to ever leave the Land of Entitlements, especially if Obama is reelected. Considering their college degrees likely aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on in the new permanently depressed world-economy, they’re going to need someone to pickpocket the rich to keep them in beer money.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” is now available in paperback from Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it to askmatt@dailycaller.com

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