The Republican Party will officially nominate Mitt Romney for president this week in Tampa. Here are 10 lines his speechwriters should refrain from including in his nationally televised acceptance speech Thursday night:
(10.) Read My Lips, Tampa: All New Taxes. We’re going to have bucket loads of them. Good God, will they be stifling!
(9.) When President Obama entered the White House, he removed a bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Office. When I’m president, it’s coming back to the Oval, where it will stand as a shining example of strength and fortitude — right next to a bust of Charlie Manson.
(8.) The Romney administration will be bipartisan. That’s why I am happy to pledge tonight that, if elected, I will nominate Joe Biden to be my Secretary of State. [Wait for applause.] And Attorney General Eric Holder, he’s staying too! [Pause for raucous cheers.]
(7.) If you like Obamacare, let me tell you, you’re going to LOVE Romneycare. Primarily because it’s the same thing.
(6.) Good evening, Tampa! [Pause for screams.] 9/11 was an inside job! Did you know fire can’t melt steel?
(5.) And I say with firm conviction, yes America, corporations are people too — but no, Mexicans are most certainly not..
(4.) After some soul-searching, I’ve decided to replace Paul Ryan with Todd Akin.
(3.) As president, I pledge to keep the public updated every month with a White House newsletter. And I am proud to announce tonight that Rep. Ron Paul has agreed to edit it.
(2.) In this White House, former union boss Andy Stern is among the most regular visitors. Not in a Romney White House. In a Romney White House, Andy Stern will be replaced with one of the greatest football coaches this country has ever known, and one of the most honorable men I know, one Mr. Jerry Sandusky.
(1.) Good evening Tampa. Let’s talk about the difference between legitimate rape and illegitimate rape.