DC Trawler

Chuck Schumer requires constant supervision to keep from hurting himself

We all know how Schumers can be, always getting into things. Hence the need for Schumer-resistant medicine bottles, Schumer-proof safety locks on kitchen cabinets, and whatnot. But clearly we’re still not doing enough to protect our vulnerable Schumers, as Caroline May reports:

At a Sunday press conference calling for stricter rules on concentrated laundry detergent pod packaging that some children have mistaken for candy, New York Democratic Sen. Charles Schumer admitted that even he has felt drawn to down a few detergent pods himself.

“The incidents are skyrocketing,” the New York Daily News reported Schumer said during a joint press conference with medical professionals. “These pods were supposed to make household chores easier, not tempt our children to swallow harmful chemicals. I saw one on my staffer’s desk and I wanted to eat it.”

The only way to make them more attractive to Chuck Schumer would be to shape them like little TV cameras.

Schumer’s not done. For his next press conference, he plans to lambaste manufacturers of electrical outlets for making them look so much like kissy-faces. Ouch!