WASHINGTON, DC - SEPTEMBER 20: Impatient with how long it was taking House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) (R) to drive a nail, Speaker of the House John Boehner finishes the job with one stroke during the  WASHINGTON, DC - SEPTEMBER 20: Impatient with how long it was taking House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) (R) to drive a nail, Speaker of the House John Boehner finishes the job with one stroke during the 'First Nail' ceremony, signifying the start of construction of the 2013 Inaugural Platform on the West Front of the U.S. Captiol September 20, 2012 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)   

The Battle of the Bulge

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Christopher Bedford
Managing Editor

Once upon a time in America, gaffes were accepting a duel from a guy with a handgun; congressmen told their constituents that they “may go to hell, and I will go to Texas” before conquering Mexico; and John Henry was a steel-driving man.

But in the age of “Glee” and trans-fat bans, a bottle-of-red-and-steak dinner is bad for you, smoking isn’t cool and saving a woman is sexist.

Well folks, The Daily Caller is calling, and we’re calling bullshit. And the speaker of the House — a noted champion of crushed grapes and butchered cow — is with us. Now we know that Nancy Pelosi is with us too. You see, when God created America and gave it to us to ruin, He laid down a couple laws of nature that no tax or regulation can undo, and one of those is that sometimes even the toughest and most powerful women in the land need an old-fashioned man around the House.* And even though she may not always want to, she’s got to hand over that hammer.

Picture this: All the top folks in Congress get together to bang in some nails and kick off some stage-building. Enter: Best-friends-for-life Pelosi and Boehner. Enter: Nature.

WATCH:

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Now for all the radical San Francisco feminists out there who think there’s a war on women or some shit, this right here is the Battle of the Bulge. Homegirl ain’t got no gavel and ain’t got no hammer power. Homeboy, on the other hand, has that gavel on lock and, in case she was wondering, John Boehner is a steel driving man, Lord, Lord. And he always helps a lady in distress.

Stay classy, J.B. Men everywhere salute you.

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*Disclaimer: This summer, this guy needed a woman to help him install blinds and a bike rack, and solve other frontal-lobe-heavy puzzles. But rest assured, America, he can admirably perform any task that relies on opposable thumbs and a brain stem.