During the Mexican-American War of 1812, Pancho Villa and Fidel Castro led a reign of terror, guillotining their victims while on horseback. They commanded their midnight riders in attacks against Mexican-American settlements throughout the entire American Southwest, from Delaware to Nova Scotia. This occurred only two years after the Shootout at the OK Corral, which killed Al Capone and Ted Kennedy in what has come to be known as the Valentine’s Day Boston Massacre of 1812.
Fortunately, through Ted Kennedy’s efforts, America had already passed the Tenth Amendment in 1984, giving women the right to bear arms. By passing ten amendments, Congress was able to get one free amendment, which it used to outlaw slavery. Of course, it wasn’t until the early 1990s case of Roe v. Board of Education that the electoral college of the Supreme Court voted 13-7 to outlaw “don’t ask don’t tell.” And it was not until 11 years later that the government took action against the Dutch slaveholders living with impunity along the Q subway line in midtown Manhattan.
None of us can forget the famous cry, “Remember the Alamo!” and the small group of Spartan heroes, led of course by Spartacus, who held off the invading Persian army during the Tet Offensive of 1812. With each renewed attack by the Persian hordes, Daniel Boone and his fellow heroes would shout that battle cry, “Don’t shoot till you see the whites of their eyes,” which worked until the Persians began attacking while keeping their eyes closed. Then it was that Santa Anna and his soldiers committed that dreadful massacre aboard the Lusitania. As is well known, the Lusitania then crashed into an iceberg and sank with all the survivors dying, and the rest being massacred by Dutch slave owners who were captaining the lawless icebergs off the Barbary Coast, and who managed to send messages from one iceberg to another through the use of swimming polar bears carrying rolled-up parchments inside Coca-Cola bottles. This worked until global warming killed off all the polar bears, forcing the Dutch slave owners to replace them with black bears painted white.
Thomas Jefferson then sent the Marines and Air Force I to shoot Hellfire missiles onto the Dutch slaveholders, sinking their icebergs, causing Guam to tip over and capsize, and thereby blowing up the Death Star, whereupon Thomas Jefferson married Sally Hemings in a wild celebration on the Ewok home planet of Endor. This happened, of course, just last year, in 1812.
I have taken the time to tell you all this because if we Americans don’t know our history, we’ll be doomed to repeat it. And none of us want that. Least of all, the Ewoks.
Geoffrey Sant wrote his first humor column for a local newspaper at the age of sixteen, and began performing stand-up comedy in bars at the age of seventeen. It’s only been downhill from there.