News flash: It’s actually harder than it was a few days ago to pick the ten funniest White House “We the People” petitions.
Spurred by the closed-circuit yuk-yuk chambers of Reddit, Fark and other virtual locker rooms, America’s wannabe standup comics don’t seem to have wearied of turning political theater into Internet farce. (RELATED: White House “secede” petitions reach 50-state participation)
State-level petitions asking for licenses to secede from the Union had attracted more than 846,000 signatures by Thursday evening. But the real action continues to be found in petitions about punching anti-tax crusader Grover Norquist in the crotch, turning Joe Biden into Guy Fieri’s sidekick on “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives,” and legalizing “crystal weed.” (RELATED: Top 10 ridiculous White House ‘We the People’ petitions, part 1)
But that was Part 1. These ten very real White House petitions represent the newest ideas America’s snarkiest political minds have to offer.
#10: Someone has watched a few too many James Bond movies
“We ask that the Obama administration press the big red button and nuke everything. Good guys, bad guys, civilians, Belgium, everything. We’ll handle the canned food, you handle the nukes. Ok? Ok.”
#9: Obama promised unicorns and rainbows, but no lollipops
“Come on Mr. President, you have one month to meet our demands or I will sell a dragon to the petitioners from Texas. That’s when shit gets real.”
#8: The fiscal cliff demands a “balanced” solution, so why not?
“Make Friday officially part of the weekend, creating a more balanced 4-day workweek and 3-day weekend. The workweek is unbalanced.”
#7: The role of Darth Vader will be played by David Axelrod
“By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.”
#6: Is an Obama White House visit like the “Madden curse”?
“You gave Trooper Taylor a chest bump. Since then the football team, like the Tea Party has fallen off of the map and would be forgotten by the nation were it not for our ineptitude. Our athletic director is terrible. He gave Gene Chizik a $10 million buyout; even Jesse Jackson, Jr. thinks that was an inappropriate payoff for a friend. … Either send military drones to the athletic department and blow the whole thing up or give our boosters a $10 million stimulus package to create new orange and blue jobs.”
#5: Let’s not set a precedent, m’kay?
“Congressman Ron Paul should be allowed to add his signature to the Original Constitution. He, more than any other public servant since it’s inception- has championed it, strived to uphold it, and reprimanded those who have not.”
#4: The NRA says never bring a sock full of batteries to a gunfight
“[H]ave Ted Nugent publicly beaten with a tube sock full of ‘D’ batteries. … This would be a public event, live from Washington D.C. and webcast around the world. This will be a free broadcast, not pay-per-view.”
#3: This one goes with the “legalize crystal weed” petition in Part 1
“3D Doritos were one of the best snacks ever. It’s not often that something is practically nothing, but still amazing. 3D Doritos are a reminder of a time when the economy was strong, the borders were safe, and America was mighty.”
#2: A bridge to the 19th century
“In order to form more perfect heat transfer, we must repeal the second law of thermodynamics so that we can easily transfer heat to energy and vice versa efficiently. This will end our country’s dependence on foreign oil.”
#1: The perfect cabinet department for Navy SEALs
“Consolidate the Department of Defense and the Census Bureau into a single Department of Kicking Ass and Taking Names.”
Honorable Mentions, from petitions the White House zapped before we got there: