The weakest of the weak: 10 White House petitions that never got off the ground

David Martosko | Executive Editor

How many signatures could you get in three days on a petition to outlaw navel lint? How about a proposal to let Herman Cain host Saturday Night Live? If you thought at least 150 Americans would endorse an attempt to name Velveeta the official cheese of New Jersey, you’d be surprised to know how many serious White House petitions haven’t gotten that far.

Here’s a collection of ten earnest petitions on WhiteHouse.gov — some interesting, others disgusting — that have been in circulation for at least three days without collecting 150 signatures. That’s the minimum number required before the Obama administration will add a petition to the website for the public to see. (RELATED: Petition asks for presidential Hokey Pokey)

This may be the only place you’ll ever see them, but the White House hasn’t deleted any of them — even though a few will make you want to take a shower after reading them. (#1 is wrong on so, so many levels.)

So if any of these ideas tickles your fancy, you might want to add your signature. Along with just a few dozen of your new friends.

#10: Draft a proposal to have the USA and the Russian Federation joined into a military and economic union
Days: 5
Signatures: 1

“Americans, as citizens of a prosperous country, in my opinion, would benefit effusively if the US Government were to put forward a proposition to form an alliance with the Russian Federation that would form both countries’ military forces into one entity. It would also better the USA’s foreign relations with the R.F., which would, in turn, increase trade with the R.F.”

#9: This petition is for the Polyamorous to be allowed to be recognized as legal relationships within the United States
Days: 8
Signatures: 105

“Polyamorous relationships can be of: Polygyny – One male with multiple Wives; Polyandry – One female with multiple Husbands; Triad – a Couple who is dating a third Person; Quad – A relationship between two couples; Open relationships / Open marriages”

#8: Be Truthful on suppressed Technology, and to stop lying and Denying the existence of extra-terrestrial and there [sic] Crafts
Days: 8
Signatures: 4

“Word comes from New Mexico to researchers that Los Alamos has developed an antimatter weapon, which allegedly will be used as a last resort if ‘the Greys cannot be pried away from the planet.’ The number of Greys on Earth is estimated at 20 million, this is very real problem. That must be addressed.”

#7: Proclaim the National Musical Instrument to be the Guitar
Days: 4
Signatures: 4

“The guitar has increased in popularity every year since 1833. Whether it be Jazz, Blues, Country music, or rock music, the guitar is found in those musical styles. Increasingly also are the number of American Luthiers who build guitars whether it be at home as a hobby, small or large businesses. The guitar is here to stay as far as American music is concerned.”

#6: Stop the Un [sic] Gun Control Ban due to the Second Ammendment [sic] of the Constitution of the United States of America
Days: 9
Signatures: 5

“Stop the United Nations from Emposing [sic] a Gun Control Ban on the United States of America. Second ammemdment [sic] protects the right to bear Arms. Any such International ban would be a violation of the Constitution.”

#5: Implement single-payer Medicare for all
Days: 6
Signatures: 40

“Eliminate all private health insurance, all state health care programs, and consolidate all federal health care programs into single-payer Medicare for all, with special benefits for Veterans. … Require mandatory enrollment, fund through payroll taxes and sliding-scale subsidized premiums for persons aged 21 to 64.”

#4: Stop the USPS from perpetual bankruptcy as a result of prefunding its retirement program
Days: 6
Signatures: 19

“[B]y forcing it to prefund retired postal worker benefits, this critical service is now in jeopardy of being dissolved and handed over to the private sector. This is intolerable. … This is tantamount to citizens paying income taxes on all their future earnings, which is patently absurd.”

#3: Recognize the cryptid species known as Bigfoot as an endangered species in the United States of America
Days: 8
Signatures: 64

“Bigfoot also known as the ‘Sasquatch or Yeti’ is in danger of becoming extinct. … We plea [sic] with the Obama administration to recognize Bigfoot or Sasquatch as an American species of animal as soon as possible and put it on the endangered species list. Research is an ongoing effort in the field of studying this creature, and one day it will be discovered and shown to the American public.”

#2: Raise capital gains tax on high-profit investments; treat it like income tax
Days: 4
Signatures: 1

“We need to treat capital gains (money made on investments) like income tax. This is how many ultra-rich Americans have made money; if we tax it at a higher rate in a ratio in accordance with the profit, we can impose these higher regulations on wall street.”

#1: STOP White Genocide through halting MASSIVE non-white immigration into EVERY white country and ONLY white countries
Days: 3
Signatures: 78

“Massive immigration and forced-assimilation, i.e. intermarriage, between us and all those non-whites is demanded of every country in Europe and America. They are having us literally change our complexion by bringing in tens of millions of third world immigrants. This is never demanded of Japan or Taiwan, but it is demanded of equally crowded European countries like the Netherlands and Belgium, and the U.S.A. … Anti-racist is a code word for anti-whites”

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