Top 10 questions and answers from a real-life mall Santa

A professional mall Santa let it all hang out during an “Ask Me Anything” interview on the popular social media website Reddit, discussing Santa disasters, techniques for handling difficult kids and his most bizarre moments on the job.

For more than three hours on Monday, the fake-beardeded Alex — first name only — answered questions from readers. As proof that he’s a genuine mall Santa, he provided a photo and a copy of a Facebook chat log in which he was offered, and accepted, a job at a shopping mall “in Marion.”

“I live in Columbus,” he said in that chat log. The Westfield Marion Shopping Center is in the Columbus, Ohio metropolitan area. So if you’re in the neighborhood, drop in and sit on Alex’s lap.

Here are the ten best Q&A entries from this real-life entertainer:

#10. Ever been peed on?
Not yet … I can’t wait for it to happen. It’s a right [sic] of passage.

#9. Have you ever gotten a boner while doing your job?
Closest I got was when two 22 year olds kissed me. But Santa never pops a chub. … Basically two girls thought it would be funny to try and get Santa turned on. They sat on my lap (big no-no for anyone over 13) and kissed me real quickly. Then my elves (basically my managers) told them they would have to go.

#8. I just want an NHL season. Can I get that Santa?
I’m sorry but not even I can make [NHL commissioner Gary] Bettman see reason.

#7. Has anyone ever said out loud that you’re not real?
Some asshole brother told his little sister I wasn’t real. To prove to her I was really Santa I performed some magic. (slight [sic] of hand).

#6. Whats the weirdest thing a kids asked you for? What do most kids ask you for?
Most asked is a baby doll. Weirdest was for an AK-47.

#5. What is the most depressing or obnoxious thing that a kid has asked for?
Depressing thing = A new daddy … I asked her why (to make sure she wasn’t being abused or anything like that). She said “Daddy won’t let paint on the walls.”
Obnoxious thing = a vuvuzela.

#4. I know all the Santas at malls aren’t the ACTUAL Santa, but do you have any communication or training from Real Santa? Or is it just some video sent to all malls from him (presumably from the North Pole), talking about what it takes to be the REAL Santa?
The big man usually has a podcast that we have to listen to weekly. You also have to interview with his boss if you want a promotion.

#3. Was there a problem you encountered a lot that made you go “I’M SANTA, I SHOULDN’T BE DEALING WITH THIS NONSENSE”?
Having to have a mall security to walk everywhere. I can’t see SHIT! So I have an escort walk with me in case some teen wants to jump me. Oh — and when I saved someone’s life.

#2. TELL US …
I am a nurse, You need to know this to understand why I did what I did. I work in a pretty White Trash mall. Plenty of teenagers who think they are tough and get into it at the mall. So one year two guys started picking on a kid. I couldn’t yell at them as Santa because I had a kid on my lap. But one thing led to another and the one of the two guys stabbed the kid that was getting picked on. I broke character immediately, and ripped off my beard and wig and started to work on the kid. (Both kids ran off after they realized the severity of stabbing a kid in the stomach.) I stabilized the kid and reported off the to police and EMTs. Had to throw away that Santa suit … Rival gangs, I later found out

#1. I have control of your information systems, and can send the contents of the Naughty/Nice list to TMZ at the touch of a button. I also have Mrs. Claus in a secure location. Now that I have your attention, lets discuss the contents of MY Christmas list.
You have been a very bad boy… Expect coal and a visit from my “special” elves. But you can keep Mrs. Claus. She is always busting my jingle bells.

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