Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: Poison Apple, the death of books, and how to live responsibly by being irresponsible

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

EDITOR’S NOTE: Have a burning sensation? Consult your doctor. Have a burning question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

Matt: I’m a Washington-based political writer under contract to write a book about the 2012 presidential campaign, and I’m under a tight deadline. But a friend invited me fly fishing in southwestern Virginia for a day. I’m tempted to go, and have a ready rationalization: I need to clear my head. But I fear I’m actually just shirking my duty. Oh, and the friend is a Democrat, so it’s not like he’s in mourning or anything; I think he just wants to fish. Should I go? – Escape Artist

First off, congratulations on your book contract. It is a good and noble thing to write books. Particularly books as we’ve traditionally known them since the advent of the printing press, i.e, word-heavy objects with hardcovers and pages that you can put on your fireplace mantle, or that you can adorn your office shelves with to make yourself feel superior to your porn-surfing colleagues, or that you can throw at your vexatious children if a lamp or empty wine bottle is out of reach. You remember books. Those musty, unwieldy things they used to sell at the mall at Borders, before they shut all the Borders down to replace them with Apple Stores, so that instead of seeking out works of literature, you can now get every question you ever had about all the iCrap you don’t need answered by some  18-year-old in Steve Jobsian dorkwear who can’t wait to blow the $3.25-an-hour Apple pays him down at the Manchu Wok in the food court. I’m speaking here of books that were physical objects, that had weight and permanence. Not the e-single, as “books” are quickly coming to be known in our iAge. Which makes saying that you wrote a “book” come with an asterisk, since what you are then actually doing  is writing an overfed digital magazine story (nothing at all wrong with that — I  love long-form journalism and write overfed magazine stories for a living). But that often (not always) has a fraction of the thoughtfulness, craft, or  blood’n’sweat that goes into writing a full-on book, book. Which is kind of like claiming that you did an Iron Man Triathlon when what you actually did was go out for a 6K charity walk to raise awareness for some not-very-impressive disease — like carpal-tunnel syndrome or gout. And which is also an excellent way for timid and cheap publishers to make what once felt permanent ever more disposable, while also spending a lot less money on writers. Which as professional writers, should offend our sense of grandiosity and unrealistic expectations of fat advances, since “books” have always represented an escape from the grubby world of journalism, not further immersion into it. After all, if we wanted to be rewarded in a fashion that is commensurate with what the market is actually willing to pay (i.e., .99 cents for your insta-emission), then we’d have done something more pragmatic and concretely remunerative, like opening an Apple Store franchise at the mall. An attitude which defeats the whole purpose of being a writer. If writers lose the courage of their own child-like entitlement, all that is left in the sandbox are artists, actors, musicians and athletes, nearly all of whom are even more intolerable whiners than we are.

But all the shop talk aside, I’d still suggest you go fishing. Your friend is a Democrat? Who cares? Fish are apolitical. Which is one of the many reasons they’re more desirable company than 95 percent of the people you meet in Washington. (Two more reasons fish trump people: fish can neither talk, nor check their iPhones during lunch.) And not to rain on your deadline parade, but ask yourself what you’d be passing up fishing in order to do. To write a book about the 2012 presidential campaign? We lived through the 2012 presidential campaign, and we could barely stand to read about it as it was happening. How much crueler to expect us to sit through it all again when we already know how the movie ends. I seriously doubt all the fun times you had on the Romney campaign plane or watching Rick Santorum stand next to butter cows in Iowa felt important even in the present. How much less important it will feel now that that present is the past.