An epiphany for Republicans

As for gay marriage, even God himself was willing to spare Sodom and Gomorrah if Abraham could find 10 righteous men. I’m sure the city of San Francisco can do better than that. Hold firm to your beliefs and respectfully explain them when asked, but as for the GOP, let that one go too.

Neo-conservatives, start acting like the Founding Fathers we supposedly admire so much and stop trying to build democratic nations through carpet bombing. Keep the surgical drone strikes on jihadist havens, and respond to threats of genocide fiercely and quickly, but otherwise, beat those swords into shares of Halliburton.

Fiscal conservatives, we’re the single moms cooking fresh vegetables, trying to keep our kids healthy, and being sabotaged every Saturday by the Democratic dad with the open box of chocolates. Let’s tell the truth about spending, deficits and debt, but let’s put a little butter and salt on those veggies — by leading with the benefits of fiscal responsibility — whenever we can.

Libertarians, please take all the drugs you want, channel Hunter S. Thompson, form a third party at the next Burning Man gathering, bury your gold bullion in the ground, guard it with your AR-15, and hang the Creature From Jekyll Island in effigy, but please, leave us — and our chances of being seen as a reasonable alternative to the left — alone!

And Christians, let’s stop letting politics inform our reading of scripture. It leads to inane deductions like “Jesus doesn’t want assault rifles banned.” Remember, “The weapons of our warfare are not carnal …”

Also remember that the left’s gun demagoguery will backfire soon enough. As any rational person knows, there’s about as much chance of seeing the next Adam Lanza at a Democratic “gun buyback” as there is of seeing Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Finally, let’s resolve to stop piling on Hispanics with immigrant-bashing. Even the “Sage of the Southwest,” Rick Perry, was right on this one. We like to make a distinction between hard-working legal Hispanics and hard-working illegal Hispanics, but when the illegal is your cousin, you don’t. And you’ll probably punish the politician who does.

If we’re not willing to line up our gardening crew and demand to see their papers, let’s stop bellyaching about people doing jobs we want done, but not by our own sons and daughters. Let’s provide the illegals a penitent’s path to citizenship, and their legal friends and relatives a path to the Republican Party!

That’s the revelation and the resolutions. And what are the chances that this epiphany, if implemented, will lead to victory in 2014 and 2016?

Excellent, I think, even though we’re now pitted against an increasingly disciplined, energized, younger and larger Democratic Party. And they’ve got an army of friends in the news media who control most of the content and tone of American political discourse. The reality is, the “Fourth Estate” has become little more than a bonus room in the White House. And that’s not likely to change anytime soon.

What will change, however, is the take-home pay of the average Democrat. And, little by little, year by year, as Obamacare and a host of other entitlements siphon off more and more of every liberal’s hard-earned pay, another epiphany will begin simultaneously dawning in the minds of millions of resentful Democrats who are just one “Governor Susana Martinez moment” away from realizing “we’re Republicans!”

Timothy Philen is an author and songwriter. He served for 15 years as a Ruling Elder of the Presbyterian Church in America.