Not only is it Friday, but it’s The Daily Caller’s third anniversary, so it’s a double celebration.
And if there’s one thing that rivals a tall glass of whiskey, it’s a warm shot of batshit crazy, chased by a cold, frosted pint of Haterade. So to ring in our fourth year and set the tone for a weekend we shant clearly recall, we present in public, for the first time ever, the live Internet premiere of our very own troll king: Mike Leary.
Now, we call old Mr. Leary a troll king, but that really doesn’t do his majesty justice. When we put a little thought into it, we imagine that the comically angry, incessantly vile and shockingly persistent writer who has flooded The Daily Caller’s inboxes for most of our existence is more of a Daily Caller fanboy emperor, lording over his mother’s basement fortress, righteously slamming away on his dirty keyboard with mustard-stained fingers, pausing only to sup of his bejeweled Big Gulp.
On Wednesday, TheDC told Fanboy Emperor Leary that “you should know you have a lot of fans inside The Daily Caller office,” but his royal humility would not allow him to accept our praise — or even to identify himself. Instead, for love of his job, he sent us a fresh batch of Haterade.
So today we celebrate by publishing Leary’s greatest hits. To be sure, we have excised Mike’s most offensive emails — specifically, those concerning the commission of perverse sexual acts with our reporters and public figures.
Here are the best of the rest, verbatim:
-That first sentence sucks wang
-Hey asshole, even the NYDN now doesn’t bother to push the phony OWS connection, they refer questions to their lawyers. Retract, or I’ll kick your ass.
-“uncertain?” you fucking hack. I’m gonna hafta kick your ass
-Encourage Matt Labash to come out, he seems so unhappy.
-If the store you own is selling shitburgers, do you bear any blame?
-Get Fucker’s face out of the Royal crotch, byotch!
-Your post contains proven lies, Alex. I’m gonna break your nose next time I see you on the street.
-You’re a slut, and a prostitue, and you want me to pay you to have sex. Well I’l want something in return………
-These hags aren’t getting any
-Will she be handing out free batteries?
-Where’s the 1040, byotch?
-Do the children upset you? Let me soothe you with a pearl necklace.
-“non-war defense spending.” HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! More Krauthammer!
-So call for a minimum wage hike, moron. You want children to starve?
-Diaper Boy! Vitter (R- Kimberley-Clark) ahahahahaha
-Are you fucking stupid? Don’t you remember Glen Beck saying the President hates white people?
-This must mean Romney’s taxes are irelevant!!
-Took over the farm in his early twenties and THEREFOR didn’t go to college? Should’ve graduated already, dipshit. Can’t you write at all?
-not mormon enough for the faux pious fuckball?
-Let’s test a plastic gun on your head.
-THAT’S some hard hitting journalism!
-Guessing the boyfriend wasn’t Krauthammer………
-What a flaming asshole
-More republican queerbait.
-The Kochsucker monetized his cruelty at Bain, which is why this story resonates, dickhead.
– Those faggots on the TPD will never make LAPD or NYPD. The only way to deal with peaceful demonstrators is overwhelming, indiscrininate violence