Ask Matt Labash
              FILE - In this Feb. 21, 2012 file photo, performer Adele arrives for the Brit Awards 2012 at the O2 Arena in London.  Adele will perform the James Bond theme “Skyfall” at the Oscars, her first U.S. performance since last year  FILE - In this Feb. 21, 2012 file photo, performer Adele arrives for the Brit Awards 2012 at the O2 Arena in London. Adele will perform the James Bond theme “Skyfall” at the Oscars, her first U.S. performance since last year's Grammy Awards. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences said Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2013, that Adele will sing the Oscar-nominated song at the 85th annual Academy Awards on Feb. 24. She and producer Paul Epworth are nominated for best original song for “Skyfall.” (AP Photo/Jonathan Short, File)   

Ask Matt Labash: Do’s and dont’s of wedding songs, why Adele sucks, and the evils of remix dances

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

While we’re on the ladies, you might as well consider LaVern Baker’s swinging, smoldering first release for Atlantic Records (1953), “Soul On Fire.” If you want a lost treasure, and don’t mind getting accused of ripping off the 2010 Blue Valentine soundtrack which rediscovered it, try Penny and the Quarters “You and Me,” which to my ears, has a riff similar to that of the Isley Brother’s “This Old Heart of Mine,” also useable if you don’t mind going way up-tempo. (It’s technically an unrequited love song, but nobody will hear the difference.) If you want to slow it way down, Curtis Mayfield’s “So In Love” is in my hall of fame.

There are any number of more contemporary songs that would work. Since I’ve already gone on long enough, I won’t include them. Doing so would require me to lyric-check for wedding appropriateness. The trick, I think, even if you pick something newish is for it to sound like it’s already logged some years. You want a song that comes sturdy and well-crafted, that can weather the storms, much as you hope your marriage will. To that end, if I had to do it all over again, I’d probably go with the perfect song, Tom Waits’s “Picture in a Frame.” It’s a song that arrived ageless. It could’ve worked a hundred years ago, and it will work one hundred years from now. The only problem with using it, for my purposes, was it arrived in 1999, five years after I was already married. That’s unfortunate for me and my wife, for whom it would’ve represented the perfect embodiment of our eternal love. Which is why I’m keeping it in my back pocket. My trophy wife, once she’s finally born, will probably love it, too.

What did I actually pick, in case you’re curious? As memory serves, I wanted to go with Sam Cooke’s “Bring It on Home To Me,” one of the yearningest, burningest soul songs of all time (the infectious yeah-yeah call-and-response on the chorus being sung by Lou Rawls). Though if you really drill down into the lyrics, the song is about a man trying to convince his woman to come home after leaving him. Probably not the best choice for a first-dance song. So unbeknownst to me, my wife swapped it out for Buddy Holly’s “True Love Ways.”

This last is a lovely little underplayed gem. Though she caught me by surprise on the dance floor during our wedding. I must’ve looked stumped, because she said, “Remember, we slow danced to this in my room.” She might’ve been right. I don’t remember, as I’d made it to her room, and thus, had other plot points occupying my concentration. But I nodded in recognition of our shared history, hoping to make a lot more of it. I pulled her in by the small of her back, grabbed her hand, and swept her across the floor. Or at least I awkwardly shuffled her across the floor, since I’m not much of a dancer. Which leads me to our last do/don’t. Don’t dance (if you’re a straight man) unless you absolutely have to. But you do kind of have to first-dance at your own wedding. So if your spouse swaps out the perfect song for a song they think is more perfect, do pretend like it’s not a big deal. If it all goes right, you’ll be together forever. Plenty of time to even the score.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” is now available in paperback from Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.