About the author: MQ-9 Reaper “Pale Horse” is an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle currently deployed at a secret CIA base in Yemen. It has been authorized to kill American citizens suspected of terrorism by the U.S. government, and is an advice columnist syndicated in over 30 newspapers nationwide. If you have a question for the MQ-9 Reaper, please email AdviceDrone@DailyCaller.com.
Dear Drone,
I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for five months now, and we recently reached the “I love you” phase of our relationship. I was hoping to introduce him to my parents at a surprise party we’re throwing for my dad’s birthday, but I just found out that my mom has invited my ex-fiancée, which could lead to a pretty awkward encounter. I’m on good terms with my ex and am generally pleased that my parents have decided to make him part of a part of their life, but I’m worried about how he’ll respond should he meet the new guy. Is it right to put either of them in that situation?
Wondering in Wichita
Dear Wondering,
Coordinates 14.5697° N, 46.1003° E. Visibility LOW. Weapons function NORMAL/OPERATIONAL. Navigation function NORMAL/OPERATIONAL. DOWNLOADING ORDERS. Target DESIGNATED. SEARCHING. SEARCHING. SEARCHING. Target ACQUIRED. Target name NAZIR, MOHAMED A. Certainty of identification 83.974%. Nationality AMERICAN. Place of birth BROOKLYN, NEW YORK U.S.A. Date of birth 11/15/1990. Presidential authorization REQUESTED. Presidential authorization RECEIVED. Target LOCKED. LAUNCHING AGM-114 HELLFIRE. Missile launch SUCCESSFUL. Time to target 15 SECONDS.
Target DESTROYED.
Sincerely,
MQ-9 Reaper “Pale Horse”
Dear Drone,
I recently became aware that the CEO of my company is having an affair with the wife of a close friend of mine. I’m friends with both the CEO and the woman in question, but I feel like I should be loyal first and foremost to her husband, who I’ve known since college and has been there for me when I needed help in the past. At the same time, I’m not sure this is really any of my business, and I worry that if I tell my friend he may reflexively “kill the messenger” and cut me out of his life. Also, if it gets back to the CEO that I’m the one who informed the husband, I feel my job may be in jeopardy. Should I tell my friend anyway, or is it best to let sleeping dogs lie?
Secret Keeper in Seattle
Dear Secret Keeper,
ALERT: PROJECTILE INBOUND. POSSIBLE ENEMY SURFACE-TO-AIR ORDINANCE. Situation CRITICAL. PROJECTILE 30 SECONDS OUT MAYDAY MAYDAY. Self-destruct sequence INITIATED. ERASING MEMORY. Erase function NON-RESPONSIVE/FAILED. Initiating destruction of AGM-114 HELLFIRE. Payload destruction function NON-RESPONSIVE/FAILED. Initiating DIVE. NAVIGATION FAILURE. PROJECTILE 5 SECONDS OUT INCOMING MAYDAY 1010101011010101011010100000110001100
Sincerely,
MQ-9 Reaper “Pale Horse”