Suspend reality with me for a moment.
Let’s say that I am a member of the Academy, and this is my Oscar ballot (for all of the major categories only, because let’s face it, who cares about sound mixing) and that I completed this a month ago when it was actually due.
Here are are the people and films I voted for, and the honest reasons why:
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The category for best adapted screenplay is just like having a category at the Grammys for what band plays the best cover songs. Basically, it’s kind of bullshit. Give me a novel and tell me to make a movie from it, and I could do it in like five days (not really, but still). That being said, I’m voting for David O. Russell for “Silver Linings Playbook” because it was one of the most entertaining film of the year. I automatically wrote off “Argo” for all of all the times they said “Argo-fuck yourself” in the movie.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
I’m sorry, but “Zero Dark Thirty” was boring as hell until the end when the badass SEALs stormed Osama bin Laden’s compound. While it might be controversial, “Django Unchained” is certainly the most ORIGINAL movie on this list, and since that word is in the category’s name, I’m voting for it. Also, “Amour” is in French. What’s that about? This is America and we speak English, the last time I checked, which was just now.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
If Tommy Lee Jones wins for “Lincoln” I will flip over my TV set. I didn’t even see “Lincoln” and I know that I hate it. And if Hugh Jackman wins for singing and dancing his way through a depressing, 10 hour movie I will also flip over my TV set. Robert De Niro gets my vote because he’s Robert De Niro and he’s awesome and was awesome in “Silver Linings Playbook.”
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
I’m an Anne Hathaway hater and even though it doesn’t matter who I vote for — because my vote doesn’t actually count AND because she’s going to win anyway — my vote is for Amy Adams in “The Master” because she’s pretty and I really, really like “Drop Dead Gorgeous.” It’s one of the most underrated films ever.
BEST ACTOR
Screw you, Daniel Day-Lewis for being in this category AGAIN. You can’t have ALL OF THE OSCARS. My vote goes to Bradley Cooper because he’s hot and was really, really good in “Silver Linings Playbook.” (Can you tell by now that I really, really liked “Silver Linings Playbook?” And also that I never saw “Lincoln”?)
BEST ACTRESS
This is a toughy because Naomi Watts was GREAT in “The Impossible,” but for some reason nobody seemed to notice. But my vote goes to Jennifer Lawrence because I obviously loved “Silver Linings Playbook” and she is beautiful, amazing, hilarious and so down to earth and I am totally heterosexual, I just really want her to read this so she will consider being my best friend. (Call me, girl!)
BEST DIRECTOR
I thought “Beasts of the Southern Wild” was just splendid, and I think that the directing and had a lot to do with that. I feel kind of bad that I keep voting for David O. Russell and “Silver Linings Playbook,” so I’m going to vote for underdog Benh Zeitlin to even out my conscience.
BEST PICTURE
You thought I was going to vote for “Silver Linings Playbook” here, didn’t you? Well, YOU’RE RIGHT I am, even though “Lincoln” will win because it’s super boring and the Academy loves boring movies. Ugh.
Tune into the Oscars this Sunday to see if the Academy listened to any of my suggestions!