Ask Matt Labash

              FILE - In this Wednesday, March 7, 2012 photo, Apple CEO Tim Cook announces the new iPad in San Francisco. Apple CEO Tim Cook is calling a shareholder lawsuit against the company a "silly sideshow,"on Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2013, even as he said he is open to looking at the shareholder

Ask Matt Labash: iPads, iDistractions and plugging your ears to silence the silence

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

EDITOR’S NOTE: Have a burning sensation? Consult your doctor. Have a burning question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

Dear Matt, 

With the news of Apple’s attempt to goose flagging sales by resorting to deep discounts at Walmart, it seems like a good opportunity to kick them while they’re down. In that spirit, I ask, what the hell is the point of tablets anyway? I suspect the real answer is that it’s the same as wearing expedition grade apparel and driving an off-road SUV just to go to the mall. But on the merits, it strikes me that aside from instant-on, tablets do everything a mid-range laptop will do, only less well. You have to carry and connect a bunch of peripherals, you frequently have to hold it up rather than just letting gravity do the work.  The whole thing just seems needlessly tedious, akin to a preference for doing paperwork on a clipboard or eating off a tray while standing.  Your thoughts? – George Childress

Regular readers of this column know that I’m perfectly fine with kicking Apple when they’re down. Though I don’t mind kicking them when they’re up, either. Just kicking them is the important thing. I can’t speak with great specificity to the upsides/downsides of tablets, because the only way you’d catch me with one is if a mourner dropped it on my carcass during an open-casket viewing. So I feel completely comfortable subcontracting out the ad-hominem tablet attack to you, gentle reader. I actually love it when question-writers do the heavy lifting for me, since they/you work for free. Or as I prefer to think of it, for just seventy cents less an hour than what you’d make in one of Apple’s Chinese sweatshops.

I remember the first time that I encountered an iPad in the wild. I’d gone to a local steakhouse with a friend, and as we were tucking in for what I hoped was our usual civilized three hours of boozy conversation, he propped his iIntrusion against the Splenda bin in an attempt to keep it upright on the table, as is iDork custom. It was as though he were announcing to the world, “I am a gullible conspicuous consumer who is easily marketed to, buying more overpriced contraptions that I don’t need in order to keep myself tethered to an increasingly clamorous world that can only be silenced through a six-martini lunch, which my iInvader is now disrupting.”

But thinking nothing of the ungainliness of his new and suddenly essential toy, he’d have capped on me as being a preposterous philistine if I’d done the same with a book or a laptop, one of which is more aesthetically pleasing (book), while the other (laptop) provides greater utility for communicating  – i.e., for  typing in coherent sentences with 10 fingers instead of smudging up the screen with greasy thumbs. So I did my dutiful best to ridicule him. That’s what friends are for. But mostly, I just felt sorry for him. He reminded me of a more upscale version of those sad sucks you see in lower-class shopping malls, walking around with a Bluetooth permanently affixed to their ear, even when they aren’t talking to anyone. So as to say, “I am not technically on a call, but I want you to think I’m important enough to be expecting one at any moment, which is why I have this piece of unsightly gadgetry protruding from the side of my head.”

All of which is to state that of course tablets are dopey marketing gimmicks for people who don’t know they’re alive unless they’re buying more iDistractions. These are largely the same people who evangelize about the necessity of an all-in-one device, even as they continue using at least one of every other device. (Has anyone actually chucked their  phone or their computer or their gaming system as a result of buying an iPad?) Sure, it can be useful to carry all your iBelongings around in a handy device on a plane like a turtle carries his shell. Though as a friend in the IT industry recently admitted to me, “Research found that even teenage girls abandoned their iPads when they had ‘important’ work to do, such as post on Facebook. Social status was so essential that they couldn’t trust their iPads to handle an update.”