In these times of economic hardship and moral crisis, the absence of competent political leadership in Washington has plunged the nation even further into darkness. Between the petty infighting among a divided Republican Party and the shameful failure of President Obama’s agenda, the American people must look to a different kind of politician to save us from financial ruin.
That leader is: Stannis Baratheon, true heir to the Iron Throne of Westeros.
While Obama and Congressional Republicans sat around blaming each other before, during, and after the improperly handled sequestration crisis, Stannis took action. He sailed his fleet north to the Wall, crushed a Wildling uprising, and rescued the realm from the frigid clutches of frozen zombies.
How many frozen zombies has the president personally slain? Zero.
Even now, Stannis’s red priestess, Lady Melisandre, stands guard upon the Wall, using her fire sorcery to repel the Night that Will Never End.
Meanwhile, Obama’s priestess — Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — quit her job after just four years.
Stannis, however, never quits — even after his whole host was decisively defeated in the Battle of Blackwater Bay. On the contrary, such adversity gave Stannis time for proper reflection and deepened his faith in the Lord of Light, R’hllor.
Obama’s commitment to his religion is weak at best. He rarely goes to church. But none can question Stannis’s faith. Not only is he a devout practitioner, but he is also an outright messianic figure — the very reincarnation of Azhor Azai, according to Melisandre.
Truly, on all the issues, Stannis is in the right.
Consider the use of unmanned drones. The president has dubiously claimed the authority to kill American citizens with them, and many people fear such authority could be used to justify further infringements on civil liberties. But in the hands of, say, President Stannis, Americans would have nothing to fear. First, Stannis’s belief in the rule of law is absolute. And second, he would never use drones to carry out assassinations. When Stannis wants someone killed, he goes straight to Melisandre, impregnates her, and delegates the murder to the demonic shadow baby that results from their coupling. Assassinations carried out by demonic shadow babies fall within the parameters of the law, according to Benerro, a high priest of the Lord of Light and expert constitutional scholar.
Some will say that Stannis is too late. They note that the election is long over. Whatever our current leaders’ flaws, we are stuck with Obama and the Republican House for the foreseeable future, they claim. This is a perfectly understandable position — but everyone who holds it is a traitor to the realm. Stannis is America’s rightful leader, and all who deny that will suffer a fate befitting foes of the Lord of Light.
What is this fate, you ask? Find out on HBO’s “Game of Thrones,” where Stannis will righteously seek the Iron Throne Sunday nights at 9:00 PM EST.
And Happy April Fool’s Day.
Robby Soave is a reporter for The Daily Caller News Foundation. Follow Robby on Twitter