Rand Paul and Ron Paul: The secret emails revealed

Jamie Weinstein and Will Rahn | Contributor

As Kentucky Republican Sen. Rand Paul considers a 2016 run for president, the political world wonders how his father, former Republican Texas Rep. Ron Paul, will figure into his campaign. The Daily Caller has exclusively obtained a recent email exchange between father and son.

The exchange is reprinted here for the first time, in its entirety, and without comment.

FROM: Sen. Rand Paul
TO: Dr. Ron Paul
DATE: May 8th, 2013

Dear Dr. Paul,

While I appreciate your interest in helping me launch my presidential campaign, we need to talk about some of these staffers you’ve sent over. I understand they’re all committed loyalists and friends of the family but, at the suggestion of my political team, I’ve decided to let them go. I need your help doing this, as they don’t “recognize my authority” and are now squatting in my Louisville office while they await your instructions.

The security personnel all appear to be members of a biker gang, and I think the speechwriter you sent over is an honest-to-God sea pirate. This is all impossible to verify, however, as none of them will give me their real names.

Also, the press secretary you hired on my behalf — whom I know only as “Colonel Sven” — refuses to trim his beard or wear anything but an old Rhodesian army uniform. I worry about the message this appearance will send to reporters and voters, particularly if current demographic trends continue.

These men have set up some kind of bartering system in the office, and I have come to believe that at least one of the bikers is selling drugs during my speeches, which is attracting an undesirable element to public events. And while I appreciate their refusal to be paid in fiat currency, our finances at this point preclude us from paying anyone in Dutch krugerrands or clean needles.

Please call me as soon as possible so we can work this all out.

Sincerely,

Sen. Rand Paul

FROM: Dr. Ron Paul
TO: Sen. Rand Paul
DATE: May 8th, 2013

Dear Dr. Paul Jr. (aka my son),

What is it with you and your obsession with winning!!!!?

You think you’re going to be president in 2016? Get your HEAD!!!! out of your ASS!!!! Both you and I know the country won’t even be AROUND in 2016. Either you’ll need a wheelbarrow to buy a taco in MexiMerica or more likely the aliens from Planet Zanzibar will have already incinerated half the country in a galactic war.

If anything, you should be THANKING ME for sending you Colonel Sven. Since he was forced out of Rhodesia for cannibalism and sorcery, he’s been training motorcycle gang members (and hamsters) to fight a galactic war, which he expects to occur sometime between 2014 and 2016. At least that’s according to the voices in his head that speak to him every Friday at 3:30 p.m. sharp.

Just so you know, I’m sending along another staffer that I think can help you with your “campaign” (and if need be protect you in the event of a galactic war.) Please treat him with the respect and dignity he deserves. His name is Gary “Rambo” Brooks Faulkner and he went to Pakistan in 2010 to single-handedly capture Osama Bin Laden before being caught by Pakistani thugs. He’s a real man of courage and a patriot. Also, he can light his farts on fire, which is a real nifty party trick.

I’m going offline for a while so the government can’t track me, so please send a carrier pigeon if you need to contact me.

In liberty,

Dr. Ron Paul

FROM: Sen. Rand Paul
TO: Dr. Ron Paul
DATE: May 12th, 2013

Dear Dr. Paul,

Since I correctly assumed that “going offline” meant “visiting Aunt Linda in Idaho,” I sent the carrier pigeon there. Aunt Linda tells me you shot it on sight and, since you refuse to use the phone at her house, I’m going to give email another shot.

To be perfectly frank, I’m disappointed that you’re back on this intergalactic war kick, particularly since you know very well what something like that would do to the deficit. Also, it would be deeply damaging to my political career if anyone ever heard you speak about Planet Zanzibar. Please cut it out.

The staffing situation is quickly deteriorating, and I once again implore you to get them to stand down. Colonel Sven, the bikers, and the sea pirate have now evicted my Louisville staff from the office and announced their secession from the union. We have no idea how they are feeding themselves inside, but several of our neighbors have now reported that their dogs went missing sometime last night.

While the question of secession is one still worthy of debate, their decision would quickly imperil my campaign if anyone from the press got wind of it, and is therefore detrimental to the cause of liberty. I attempted to explain this to Sven 30 or so minutes ago only to have him bite me, and I must now visit the local ER for a tetanus shot.

Sincerely,

Sen. Rand Paul

FROM: Dr. Ron Paul
TO: Sen. Rand Paul
DATE: May 13th, 2012

A TETANUS SHOT! Why don’t you just drink a big jug of fluoride-laden tap water while you’re at it!!!!

I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, son. Look, you and I both know the globalists want to deny the possibility of intergalactic war with Planet Zanzibar just like they want to deny King Albert II of Belgium is the world’s puppet master, that Paul McCartney died in 1966 and that the people who put on the TV theater shows actually live in the TV box. But we can’t let these warmongers and money inflators win these battles. We got to stand up to them.

Do me one favor, Rand. Sit down and have a heart to heart with Colonel Sven. If he can’t convince you of the importance of the values that you and I both once shared, give him a bucket of gold and tell him I said it’s okay for him to leave. But I think you owe me that much.

If you need to talk to me again, I’m gong to be in the underground anti-radiation bunker in Idaho, err, “Aunt Linda’s basement.” I got a lot of work to do on the new newsletter I’m starting. I think you’ll really like it. I may even be able to arrange for the Ron Paul Prepper Report to give you an endorsement if we still exist as a country in 2016.

In liberty,

Dr. Ron Paul

P.S. As for the pigeon you sent, I thought it was a drone. Sorry.

FROM: Sen. Rand Paul
TO: Dr. Ron Paul
DATE: May 13th, 2013

Dr. Paul,

Per your advice, my staff and I met Sven after he agreed to refrain from biting me. To my surprise, Sven — who now styles himself “Generalissimo Sven of the Republic of Grand New Rhodesia” — agreed to stand down, rejoin the campaign and recognize my authority if I helped him re-immigrate to the United States. Not sure what to do, or how one legally immigrates from an unrecognized country that exists only in a Kentucky office park, I nevertheless agreed.

Sven was moved to tears by the gesture and kissed my hand repeatedly. Grand New Rhodesia, he explained, had fallen on hard times since the speechwriter/sea pirate took over the kitchen area to form something called the “Free Republic of Libertystan,” a move which led to a small-scale famine in the rest of the office/country.

I’ve demoted Sven and the bikers to unpaid intern status, but feel we may be able use them for outreach purposes if they stay on good behavior over the next few months. Some of Sven’s ideas are simply unworkable, such as his suggestion that I wear camo fatigues in lieu of suits and end speeches by firing a .45 pistol in the air. Nor do I believe it is a good idea to launch the campaign with an assault of Fort Knox, or include a promise to arrest all FEMA employees in our platform.

On the other hand, Sven did recommend I start putting raisins in my salad. I’ve now tried this, and find it to be delicious.

With love to Aunt Linda,

Sen. Rand Paul

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