On February 5, 2013, MSNBC host Chris Hayes revealed on Twitter that his bicycle was stolen. The Daily Caller has recently obtained secret emails between Hayes, who now hosts MSNBC’s low-rated 8:00 p.m. show, and MSNBC President Phil Griffin.
The exchange is reprinted here for the first time, in its entirety, and without comment.
From: Chris Hayes
To: Phil Griffin
Date: May 31, 2013
Dear Phil,
I hate to be a nuisance, but the bicycle security situation I emailed you about a while ago seems not yet to have been resolved.
As you know, I had an incident in February where my bicycle, Mandela, was borrowed for an indefinite period of time (or perhaps stolen, though I don’t want to jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts).
In any case, I was hoping we could channel George W. Bush this one time and take preventive action to stop a similar incident from occurring down the road. You see, next to my wife, my child and the Capri pants my mother bought for Christmas last year — you wouldn’t believe how awesome! — there is nothing more important to me than my bicycle.
When I lost Mandela in February, I literally cried more that day than the day before (when I stubbed my toe). I don’t want a similar situation to occur with Allende, my new riding companion.
I can only imagine how busy you are and the last thing I would want to do is cause you any exasperation, but it would be immensely appreciated if you could help me resolve this problem.
In fraternité, egalité and liberté,
Chris Hayes
From: Phil Griffin
To: Chris Hayes
Date: June 1, 2013
Chris!
I can’t tell you how sorry I am that Mandela is still missing. Despite the progress our country has made over the years, it is still troubling to see that inequality would still cause someone to blah blah blah…
Listen, asshole: You begged me for a primetime slot, we bet the farm on you, and your ratings are garbage. Did you know that last night your show lost out in the ratings to a Norwegian-language public access show about shitting in the woods? I’m not fucking kidding. Something called “Ulrike takes a Woodbath” literally destroyed you in the demo.
So right now is not a good time for you to be making demands. Not while your show — “Nerdfest with Fuckface,” or whatever piece of shit name you came up with — sits there struggling for air like a lithe 20-year-old making love with Ed Schultz. At this point, I’m open to the idea of having you whacked on air Howard Beale-style just so Rachel can enjoy a solid lead-in for a night.
With Every Good Wish,
Phil Griffin
From: Chris Hayes
To: Phil Griffin
Date: June 3, 2013
Phil,
I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that on first read I thought your reply to my query regarding bicycle security was sincere. I even had a little cry. But after talking it over with my therapist, I finally got the joke. Hardy har har! You must understand, humor’s not my thing.
I now know you were kidding about worrying about my ratings — better have 1 viewer than dumb down our show to get 2, right? — but we probably should meet so I can fill you in on some changes I am planning to make to the show that I think will spruce it up a bit.
For instance, Faux News does something called a “Body Language” segment in which Bill O’Liely brings on a body language expert to dissect the news. We’re planning a somewhat similar — though not wholly analogous — segment in which we bring on gender studies scholars to analyze gender stereotypes that permeate the news. To ease any concern you may have about fairness, the scholars will subject my own show to the same scrutiny they do others.
Also, on Fridays, I want to do more international news, including a segment in which we investigate how colonialism has adversely effected the development of various countries. Our analysis will not be limited to the overt colonialism of the past, but will also incorporate the current brand of stealth colonialism we know as American hegemony.
I don’t want to sound vulgar and seem like I’m focused on ratings, but I think we could see major gains with tweaks like these.
Anyway, much more to discuss later. But please (please!) let’s figure out a way to secure Allende, so he doesn’t go the way of Mandela.
In fraternité, egalité and liberté,
Chris Hayes
From: Phil Griffin
To: Chris Hayes
Date: June 4, 2013
Chris!
So I’ve thought it over and come to the conclusion that you’re right about bike security. First, though, I’d like to briefly discuss your show.
As to your suggestions about new segments: I like where your head’s at. A mild retooling would really help you bring a positive message to more Americans, and I’m excited that you’re willing to work with us to make your show even more dynamic.
I like your emphasis on gender equality, but instead of simply aping an O’Reilly segment, let’s break some barriers. I’m thinking that once a week we could focus on “Victims of Objectification” such as models and porn stars. You will bring one of these victims on the air and lead an in-depth discussion about…well, it doesn’t really matter what you talk about. The point is that they’ll be in bikinis, and you’ll be feeding them Cool Whip.
Also, in keeping with this fresh new vision for cable news, your show will now be called Chris Hayes Xtreme, brought to you by Cool Whip. Aren’t you excited about your new partnership with Cool Whip? I bet you are, you little shit! They’ll be paying half your exorbitant salary, and in exchange you’ll be plugging their wonderful product at least once a night.
Next up, I want to introduce you to your new co-host Rick Sanchez. Rick brings with him decades of experience and an outlook we think your show could really use. Plus, he’s willing to be tasered and drive cars off bridges, which are two skills you’re going to really need to master if you’re going to stay at the network.
With Every Good Wish,
Phil Griffin
P.S. I stole your fucking bike and sold for scrap. And I’ll do it to your next bike, too.
——
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