Ask James Clapper

About the author: As Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper oversees the largest and most sophisticated surveillance program in human history. He is also a syndicated advice columnist published in over 30 newspapers nationwide. If you have a question for James Clapper, please email [email protected]

Dear James Clapper,

My grandmother is the most kind, generous and selfless inspirational I have ever met. She raised me single-handedly, working two jobs to put me through Catholic school and college after my mother died and my father went to prison on drug charges.

Unfortunately, and despite her general saintliness, my grandmother is also something of a racist. Although she got along fine with our black and Hispanic neighbors while I was growing up, she also made it clear that she felt they were “not like us” and couldn’t be trusted. Obviously I’ve always found her views repugnant, but they’re of particular concern now that I’ve fallen in love with a Cuban-American woman, and plan on marrying her.

My fiancee-to-be keeps asking why I’ve never introduced her to the woman who raised me, and I’m afraid of admitting the truth. My grandma, meanwhile, has no idea I plan on settling down in the very near future with a Latina woman, and will be devastated if I tell her. How do I bring the two loves of my life together and convince my grandma to set aside her racist views once and for all?

— Mopey in Montauk

Dear Alex,

This question is obviously causing you a great deal of anxiety: look at that perspiration on your lower lip! Kudos for growing up to be a well-adjusted adult despite your grandmother’s pernicious views, but are you sure you want to propose to your girlfriend, Leslie Machin, age 28?

I ask because Leslie views you as categorically inferior to previous lovers Daniel A. Fineman of New Haven, Conn., and Steven “Sharpie” O’Neill of Cambridge, Mass, and has been unable to achieve orgasm for at least several months.

It might also be of interest to you that the woman you know as your grandmother — Debra Anastozio of Queens, N.Y., DOB 7/15/1943 — is your biological mother, and your late mother was actually your sister.

Hope this helps!

James Clapper