Satire
(AP Photo/Evan Vucci, Pool)

John Kerry and the Taliban: The secret emails revealed

Jamie Weinstein and Will Rahn
Contributor

On June 3, 2013, Secretary of State John Kerry initiated an email exchange with the Taliban in order to lay the groundwork for peace talks that would help enable the United States to leave Afghanistan after over a decade of war. 

The exchange is reprinted here for the first time, in its entirety, and without comment.

From: John Kerry

To: The Taliban

Date: June 3, 2013

Dear Mullah Omar,

As my generation is fond of saying, “what a long, strange trip it’s been.” But, as you know, we’re hoping to get out of that country of yours, and would really appreciate some cooperation in that effort. I’m confident America and the Taliban want the same thing — a peaceful, free Afghanistan that’s friendly to women’s rights, religious minorities and international business — and I think the only question now is how we best bring that about.

So how about this: you sever your ties with the bad guys once and for all, and we park our robot planes back in Utah. Deal?

Sincerely,

John Kerry

From: The Taliban

To: John Kerry 

Date: June 10, 2013

Dear Infidel Jew John Kerry,

I can report that Mullah Mohammad Omar, Commander of the Faithful of the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan and leader of the Muslim Ummah, has received the letter you wrote. He has authorized that I respond as follows:

As surely as the world is flat, you and your infidel brethren will burn in a fiery inferno of hellish fire. We will never accept infidel domination of our lands, not of al-Andalus (Spain) or Palestine, and not lands that should and will one day be ours, which include all lands where beasts of the earth roam and all seas where fish proliferate.

My followers and I would rather bathe in pigs blood or spin a dreidel than meet for tea with an infidel member of the Zionist-Crusader alliance to negotiate anything. But in a spirit of mercy, I am prepared to make a generous offer. These are our demands:

1.) You and your entire government must convert to Islam and beg for mercy from your past sins.
2.) You must turn your military equipment over to the Mujahideen before dissolving the Infidel States of America.
3.) Tom Friedman must be fired from the New York Times.

If these demands are met, there is a chance the hellfire you burn in won’t be quite as hot as it normally is.

In peace,
Mullah Omar (via Timmy al-Amriki, American spokesman for the Taliban)