Satire

A modest proposal for the Washington Redskins

However, Emilie Puppenhausen-Schmick, professor of government and women’s studies at American University, said she was appalled by the team’s new nick-name. “This was a joke, right? Are the boys still acting like boys? Or has the concussion epidemic now spread to the owners?”

NFL High Commissioner Roger Goodell displayed his trademark frown throughout the Snyder press conference. But Goodell pointedly declined to take a position on the new nickname. “The league owners will take all this under advisement. Wearing pink shoes to fight breast cancer is one thing. But changing the franchise name from Redskins to Hos will be an even tougher decision than instant replays, cut-blocks or annihilating defenseless receivers. And everybody had opinions on them!”

Author’s Note: I write this as a former Fedex Field season ticket holder under Coach Norv – and one of the team’s few fans in Texas Cowboy Country. So my serious point is not to suggest re-christening the Redskins with the only name that might cause even more trouble than their present one. But with team fortunes now running at historic lows, surely this is the right moment to end the madness with a long-overdue change to football’s equivalent of The Boy Named Sue. But don’t call them The Hos. Instead, consider Hookers, Fixers, or Lobbyists: Same idea of course but much easier on the ears.

Now a rookie Texan living in San Antonio, Colonel Ken Allard (USA,Ret.) is a former NBC News military analyst and author on national security issues.