Look, Thanksgiving is just not that great. It seriously isn’t. It’s an entire feast built around the diet available to Indians and starving white people. But that doesn’t mean there ain’t reason to celebrate: We’re with family and old friends; some of us have the day off from work; and even if folks don’t have the day off (and we don’t), the boss does, so it’s drinking time. And here are three delicious ways to do just that.
But don’t worry if your inlaws are Evangelicals or recovering alcoholics Catholics, because these cocktails are good all season and will be a hit at any Christmas or New Years party.
UP HIGH: Satan’s Whiskers
No matter the party, when one of our bratty little relations runs up and yells, “What are you drinking?” in front of grandma, our favorite response is “Satan’s whiskers, kid, now beat it.” And if we mix this delicious fall cocktail, we don’t even have to make that up.
The key to a good Satan’s Whiskers is in the juice. Orange juice is cool and all, but really undeserving of the bad-ass name. The trick is blood orange juice. And while it can be bought in the carton, don’t do that — squeeze the blood oranges yourself. Or once, when we had a chef who told us to figure it out without fresh oranges, we melted frozen blood orange pulp and it tasted great.
And while using orange curacao makes the drink a Curled Satan’s Whiskers — which sounds tempting — don’t let the devil play a trick. Because a second important bit is using Grand Mariner, which has a brandy base and is, simply, a liqueur superior to most. This is called a Straight Satan’s Whiskers, and if any gender studies majors object to the name, you’re mixing drinks at the wrong party.
Finally, two more things before we give away the secret: 1) Don’t skimp on the bitters — Angostura Bitters are not a substitute for orange bitters; and 2) Don’t let anyone say they don’t like gin so they won’t like this. They will like this.
Combine together in a cocktail shaker:
1/2 oz. gin (we like D.C.’s own Green Hat)
1/2 oz. sweet vermouth (our favorite is Vya)
1/2 oz. dry vermouth
1/2 oz. blood orange juice
1 dash of orange bitters (we like Fee Brothers)
Add ice and stir until cold, then strain into a martini glass and serve with a twist of blood orange peal.
ON THE ROCKS: The Boulevardier
If you’re a man of style, substance and courage, you probably make a lot of old fashioneds — and drink them, too. Likely a few Manhattans as well. And we’re not here to tell anyone to drop those staples of a good diet; nor are we here to preach the gospel of diversity. But when it comes to whiskey, the more choices in a gentleman’s cocktail portfolio, the more gentlemanly he is. Enter: The Boulevardier.
Don’t be fooled by the name. This incredible cocktail is as American as Prohibition, which is why it was born a refugee in Paris.
When the Ku Klux Klan, progressives, Sufragettes and Communists joined forces and brought Prohibition crashing down on the country, Harry McElhone, the New York Plaza Hotel’s larger-than-life bartender, was just one American who didn’t care to stick around for the fuzz to bust up the fun. He journeyed to Europe, ending up in Paris where his Harry’s New York Bar became a hub of ex-pats and new creations. One of those was the Boulevardier — a spicy whiskey cocktail that used ingredients then unknown to the poor folks in New York.
One of the coolest parts about the Boulevardier is its versatility. Want it stronger? (We do.) Add more whiskey. More bitter? Add more Campari. Sweeter? (Ew.) Pump up the vermouth. While ol’ Harry like to mix this cocktail with equal parts, the modern go-to is as follows:
Combine together in a cocktail shaker:
2 oz. spicy bourbon or rye (we like to go with Buffalo Trace or Jim Beam Rye)
1 oz. Campari
1 oz. sweet vermouth
Stir over ice, and strain into a rocks glass filled with fresh ice. Garnish with a twist of lemon.
IN A BOWL: Apple Pie Punch
While the above cocktails are true masterpieces, there’s something to be said for enjoying ones own party. And while there’s no place we’d rather be than mixing a new cocktail for a pretty girl, there are a lot of places we’d rather be than sweating at the end point of a 20-person line of thirsty revelers. But that’s not to say that we don’t want to be with those very same revelers — we’d just like to have the work done. And nothing says work-done and drunken-revelry faster than punch. A big, boozy bowl of punch.
We tweaked this recipe for Apple Pie Punch in time for our Christmas party last year, and if the amount of broken glass and budding romances were any indication, it was a hit. And boy does it go down well: The Daily Caller’s own Taylor Bigler thought it was so smooth, we caught her sneaking a little extra hooch into each glass.
Oh, and cut as many apples as ya feel, add them right before the party starts, and float them skin up (so they don’t visibly brown). That stuff is just for decoration.
Ideally made for large groups, plan to have a big bowl. And if one plans ahead, they can even get a fountain to put in the middle of the bowl. Multiply the recipe, of course, depending on how cool your friends are.
Combine together in a bowl:
2 cups of apple cider
4 oz. Captains Morgan spiced rum
2 oz. Fireball spiced whiskey
Slices of red apple to decorate.
Now get to it.
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