The best of Florida headlines in 2013

The hilarious Twitter account @FloridaMan provides a very important public service — aggregating the most puzzling headlines from the Sunshine State. Everyone knows Florida is a land unto itself. It seems to have no rules and is inhabited by perpetually drugged or insane residents.

2013 was no different for the home of abundant oranges, alligators and bath salts. Here are some of the best headlines from each month:


Florida Man Repeatedly Called 911 Saying He Needed A Ride To Mexico — It’s tough when your friends won’t give you a lift.

Florida Man On Probation For Sex With A Donkey Named Doodle, Arrested Again — As if Doodle wasn’t scarred enough by their name.


Florida Man Assaults Quadriplegic With A Fish — I’m curious to know the type of fish.

Trouble-Making Florida Man Moves To Seattle, Keeps Making Trouble — You can take the Florida out of the man…


Florida Man Who Tried To Ward Off Mayan Apocalypse From His Roof Files To Run For City Council — Just as qualified as Rob Ford or Marion Barry.

Florida Man Punched Police Horse For No Apparent Reason — I’m sure the horse had it coming.


Florida Man Arrested For Violent Haircut — But was the customer receiving compliments from friends on the new ‘do?

Florida Man Thought To Have Pooped On Sidewalk Outside Burger King — Thought to is an important distinction here.


Florida Man Accused Of Water-Boarding Girlfriend Over Facebook Post — I’ve had similar urges after looking at my newsfeed.

Florida Man Fired From Papa John’s After Butt-Dialing Customer, Accidentally Leaving Racist ‘Opera’ On Voicemail — To write an entire opera is dedication to your racism.