When it comes to lactose, I can tolerate a lot. But this is just… ugh.
A suspect dubbed the “Swiss Cheese Pervert” was arrested Thursday for allegedly committing indecent acts with dairy products in the Northeast Philadelphia area.
Philadelphia police served Christopher Pagano, 41, with a warrant at his Norristown home, according to officials with the Norristown Police Department, which assisted in the man’s arrest. Pagano is accused of offering to pay women to put Swiss cheese on his penis and perform sexual acts.
This is just disgusting. Swiss cheese, dude? What’s wrong with good old Velveeta? It’s much smoother and has a lower melting point.
Or, sheesh, I just realized: You’re in Philly, Chris. Um, hello? Cream cheese? Wouldn’t that work a lot better, you silly gouda?
I’m speaking strictly hypothetically here, of course. It’s just a joke, Mom.